it has been almost 1 year + now
is this how it really feels like? hehehehehehehe
Im happy most of the time thanks to Tofu
im stressful most of the time thanks to Tofu
im eating most of the time thanks to Tofu
You know sometimes, T reminds me of chawanmushi. Every part of it the softness of it, the texture, the colour(hahahaha), the hard chawanmushi bowl which signifies how strong T looks on the outside but once you get pass the bowl, the interior is soft and extremely yummy. Though it looks very plain from the outside, like just egg, once you dig further you’ll get surprised at the hidden mushroom and the hidden pink and white japanese fishcake! Just like how im surprised at how your brain works sometimes 🙂
kay so here goes, my story… I think I will look back and read this and think oh wow, I have been thru that? Haha I don’t think I will rmb all these when I’m 35/40 hehe
So T and I were tgt 🙂
not like a “Will you be my girlfriend?”lovey-dovey asking out way
but the kind like, so…. you’re, my girlfriend now? halfway through texting
you know the kind, of insecure question where you dont expect the answer to be the answer that you want and and you try to phrase it in a way and so that the answer will not hurt you, that kind of question. hahahaha so not romantic and also it felt like a half commitment thing
so i didnt expect any of this to happen.
I was thinking that this new status, was just a name, it was a fling, i wouldnt be serious about cos i’m still a little unsure and might still be in love with my ex
(cant believe i wrote this out gosh) yes. It was painful and messy I guess even until now, I can’t forgive myself for doing the things I’ve done but it was too painful to decide then. So my ex and I ended but still love each other dearly I guess.. T knew all about it. I cried every single day to T and did the worst thing ever- crying about D all the time. (Sigh, if I could turn back time, I wouldn’t have chose to hurt T like this, or hurt D like this) Not giving my fullest and being the most honest about my feelings this continued for a year or so because life was such a burden then when you have to juggle with school, stress, archi and family. At times like this, relationships don’t seem to be the priority and it was just left aside for awhile when everybody is busy with their studies during this stressful period, I tried multiple ways to solve this issue and none worked out 😭 I was always going back to T to cry. I rmb after every lesson, I will escape to find T, no matter where T is, I’ll be there and luckily T was there 🙂
Days with T felt like things were going to be okay 🙂 it was relaxed and comfortable and most importantly, there was so much love that it made me forget about the whole situation I was in, the whole clique thing, the whole mutual friends thing, it was ugly. T was my escape; my stress reliever, and my everything ❤ T knew that I liked to visit the cafes, museums, walk around buildings and back alleys, finding quiet and chill spots, drinking and sketching or lay on the grass (T hates the grass hehe) to talk about whatever we wanted, mostly nonsense haha, and we did exactly that, to heal my soul 🙂 dates were my favourite as both of us had very busy schedules and when we could meet up, it was always brief but sweet 🙂 T was strong on the exterior, but never showed any weakness to make me feel like I should be the one making the decision and I could make things better if I chose to. Escaping was my forte and T let me do it 😦 it was of course happy on my side but I know it wasn’t on the other side 😦 Slowly, T made me realise that I have to be strong to make a decision, and I will be fine after that. But I need to be true to myself and my feelings first. T gave me time as the decision shouldn’t be like this just because T forced it out but it must be on my own will 🙂
Yupp, indecisive me did not make a decision and T left for China for exchange.
but as every single fairytale goes, it has a villain and a princess, well I have to say that I’m both.. HAHAHAHAHA kidding. I admit that I was the bitch that couldn’t choose and…. I still find D sometimes for my problems because I feel like D maybe could understand me better than T at that point in time
( w e a k )
ugh, so after much going back and fro, killing myself with D and have crying sessions with T, I was in a wreck. A total wreak. T wasn’t in Singapore and it was the hardest period ever 😥 My decisions hurt everybody and was irresponsible to both sides and to myself too, I was selfish and wanted both but no, who am I kidding, I have to accept that: I can’t be friends with my ex no matter how hard I try or how hard I want it. It’s not gonna work out 😦 it’s the harsh truth and sometimes someone have to slap Seow wan ting before she understands it 😦
when I look for D, the feelings are still there and the boundaries and the things we do became so unclear…
Yupp, I’m in such a huge mess then.
(On a side note, my nose is blocked and it’s terrible, I couldn’t breathe properly, or think properly and write properly and ugh, goodness, it’s affecting my brain, it’s so slow now, words and memories come back in bits n pieces, making this post extremely incoherent but not like any of my writings have been coherent before he he he)
But I couldn’t describe this feeling but I knew that T was the right one for me. The feels led me to you ❤