one five seven part II

it has been almost 1 year + now
is this how it really feels like? hehehehehehehe
Im happy most of the time thanks to Tofu
im stressful most of the time thanks to Tofu
im eating most of the time thanks to Tofu

You know sometimes, T reminds me of chawanmushi. Every part of it the softness of it, the texture, the colour(hahahaha), the hard chawanmushi bowl which signifies how strong T looks on the outside but once you get pass the bowl, the interior is soft and extremely yummy. Though it looks very plain from the outside, like just egg, once you dig further you’ll get surprised at the hidden mushroom and the hidden pink and white japanese fishcake! Just like how im surprised at how your brain works sometimes 🙂

–
kay so here goes, my story… I think I will look back and read this and think oh wow, I have been thru that? Haha I don’t think I will rmb all these when I’m 35/40 hehe

So T and I were tgt 🙂
not like a “Will you be my girlfriend?”lovey-dovey asking out way
but the kind like, so…. you’re, my girlfriend now? halfway through texting
you know the kind, of insecure question where you dont expect the answer to be the answer that you want and and you try to phrase it in a way and so that the answer will not hurt you, that kind of question. hahahaha so not romantic and also it felt like a half commitment thing
so i didnt expect any of this to happen.
I was thinking that this new status, was just a name, it was a fling, i wouldnt be serious about cos i’m still a little unsure and might still be in love with my ex
(cant believe i wrote this out gosh) yes. It was painful and messy I guess even until now, I can’t forgive myself for doing the things I’ve done but it was too painful to decide then. So my ex and I ended but still love each other dearly I guess.. T knew all about it. I cried every single day to T and did the worst thing ever- crying about D all the time. (Sigh, if I could turn back time, I wouldn’t have chose to hurt T like this, or hurt D like this) Not giving my fullest and being the most honest about my feelings this continued for a year or so because life was such a burden then when you have to juggle with school, stress, archi and family. At times like this, relationships don’t seem to be the priority and it was just left aside for awhile when everybody is busy with their studies during this stressful period, I tried multiple ways to solve this issue and none worked out 😭 I was always going back to T to cry. I rmb after every lesson, I will escape to find T, no matter where T is, I’ll be there and luckily T was there 🙂

Days with T felt like things were going to be okay 🙂 it was relaxed and comfortable and most importantly, there was so much love that it made me forget about the whole situation I was in, the whole clique thing, the whole mutual friends thing, it was ugly. T was my escape; my stress reliever, and my everything ❤ T knew that I liked to visit the cafes, museums, walk around buildings and back alleys, finding quiet and chill spots, drinking and sketching or lay on the grass (T hates the grass hehe) to talk about whatever we wanted, mostly nonsense haha, and we did exactly that, to heal my soul 🙂 dates were my favourite as both of us had very busy schedules and when we could meet up, it was always brief but sweet 🙂 T was strong on the exterior, but never showed any weakness to make me feel like I should be the one making the decision and I could make things better if I chose to. Escaping was my forte and T let me do it 😦 it was of course happy on my side but I know it wasn’t on the other side 😦 Slowly, T made me realise that I have to be strong to make a decision, and I will be fine after that. But I need to be true to myself and my feelings first. T gave me time as the decision shouldn’t be like this just because T forced it out but it must be on my own will 🙂

Yupp, indecisive me did not make a decision and T left for China for exchange.

but as every single fairytale goes, it has a villain and a princess, well I have to say that I’m both.. HAHAHAHAHA kidding. I admit that I was the bitch that couldn’t choose and…. I still find D sometimes for my problems because I feel like D maybe could understand me better than T at that point in time

( w e a k )

ugh, so after much going back and fro, killing myself with D and have crying sessions with T, I was in a wreck. A total wreak. T wasn’t in Singapore and it was the hardest period ever 😥 My decisions hurt everybody and was irresponsible to both sides and to myself too, I was selfish and wanted both but no, who am I kidding, I have to accept that: I can’t be friends with my ex no matter how hard I try or how hard I want it. It’s not gonna work out 😦 it’s the harsh truth and sometimes someone have to slap Seow wan ting before she understands it 😦

when I look for D, the feelings are still there and the boundaries and the things we do became so unclear…

Yupp, I’m in such a huge mess then.

(On a side note, my nose is blocked and it’s terrible, I couldn’t breathe properly, or think properly and write properly and ugh, goodness, it’s affecting my brain, it’s so slow now, words and memories come back in bits n pieces, making this post extremely incoherent but not like any of my writings have been coherent before he he he)

But I couldn’t describe this feeling but I knew that T was the right one for me. The feels led me to you ❤

Tbc

 

 

 

Life

It has been a couple of weeks and i still feel like i haven played enough yet
hahaha
I just feel my life has been in this constant flux of ups and downs and i haven stop yet. Once I do stop to pause and take a look, I’ll lose track of some of the things, lose track of time especially.
It has been hard and relaxing at the same time i seriously dont know why too?
😦 🙂 😦 🙂 😦 🙂
Just this mixed of emotions every single day
the  more you try to stop it, the more it comes
Sucks to be super emotional at random things
SIGH but life.

You.
Hmmm, have been thinking about it lately.
i dont know how to deal with this anymore hahaha i think you too?
let things flow, you’d always say, but are things gonna flow the way you want it to be?
can we just let time settle this? Let things flow? or would we be tempted to take control?
Tbh, i still feel a little scarred, but arent we all vulnerable and fragile all the time? I guess its alright to feel that way
I know, whatever that we have been through… it was real
Though sometimes i wished it wasnt hahahaha kidding.
The memories that remind me of us, becomes sweeter and sweeter by the day
Im starting to forget those unhappy ones and replacing them with the happy moments? And im not even doing it on purpose, my brain just functions that way
I dont like it that way though, those unhappy moments are v impt to me too, they made me know you more and understand you better
I hated you just because I think Ill lose you if i dont lose you anymore (why am i so clingy anyway??!!) it reminds me of you everyday though somedays less than the others but you’re still on my mind basically everyday? haha idk why too
I admit certain things do remind me of you and specifically you (be it good or bad haha)
I guess my blog was talking about you for my whole first year of uni lol.
how can I ever forget? why would i forget things too i have a damn good memory HA HA HA
Have i changed? Did i grow up? hahaha i dont know yet
Can we be friends again? Idk too

Hope, things will be fine that way
hope, you’ll be happy
hope, I’ll not be just one of your girls
Hope that theres no hard feelings but HAHAHA who am i kidding
its impossible not to have
F R I E N D S
hahaha after archi, kerning has been an essential part of my life
i cant stop kerning
its getting a little bit obsessive that i kern every single thing?! (see the friends with the beaut individual manual spacing heh)

LET IT GO.
three words from frozen <33333333
but its extremely useful in my everyday life
We humans, just have to accept fate, accept life, hahaha dont expect so much? Because its all fated. hahaha but of course, its okay to feel sad I think………( which i always do)
Crying has helped me so much along the way HAHA love. crying sometimes 🙂 Its funny how we are so held up by certain stuff when the solution is just to be brave and accept the consequences of your actions
its seriously fine to live with regrets I feel
I mean what is a life without them? I guess we have to feel guilty and regretful sometimes right? to truly understand what it feels like haha
Gosh, i seriously dont know what my life philosophy is bringing me to??! HAHA
like i allow myself to be MAX sad and MAX happy most of the time but im loving it though haha and i’d tell myself that its fine to feel that way

Things that werent meant to be, will not be, no matter how hard you try 🙂
Lets not be so forceful and force your way through things most of the time but i guess i really do need to apologise, its my fault but not really, because life has a way of unravelling itself with time? so we’ll see how this goes? If its a no, then its alright hahaha (or is it? did i purposely made it that way so that life will be easier for myself? hmmm )
but the truth is, i cant accept the mutual friends thing, like people start talking about talking as if they know them?! you know?! How annoying is that?
Judgemental bitches. (woah, that escalated quickly ehehehehehehe)
but you will never know what people will be saying behind their backs and you’d always imagine the worst of what they’ll say
Prolly nth much lololol. Lets just hope that whatever they’ll say, whatever those mean eyes meant, they all meant, “Omg, i love her dress today, oh my her style, OH MY. SHES BEAUTIFUL~” hahahaha
OH GOD i miss blogging so much

Its perfectly fine not to know what you want in life right?
im 22 alr gosh, cant believe it, i lived through life?

2 0 1 5 i miss you alr
i miss the late night car rides
i miss the wind blowing on my face, blowing away all stress and worries
i miss how work had me crumbling and dying but still have that determination and motivation to continue (guess this will continue all my life hahah)
i miss the things i missed, the friends meet up, the birthday parties
i miss the missed opportunities and the blessings in disguise lol

guess ill just continue to live life like that
the way i want it

❤