W

but it flew away from her reach, so she ran away in her sleep

xx

I heard your voice today. It has been such a long time since I heard your voice. I could recognize it immediately and I refuse to let my head up. Was it fear? Or was it a different kind of feeling that I’m unable to comprehend?

I always wished things would be different (believe it or not) but I felt that the hurt we experienced could help us grow, to be better individuals; better lovers. And I hope it did work.

When we graduate, you’ll be the only one I’ll be thinking about. What if you decide to go somewhere far? What if I won’t get to hear from you ever? What if I said today I wanted to text you but I didn’t have the courage?

It is scary.

I opened myself up to you in ways that I can’t even open up to myself. I always felt that some part of me lies with you and it is a part of me that I could never get it back, but I don’t want it back either. I want you to keep a part of me, where ever you go.

After all, you’re my first true love.
I’ll never forget you.

I saw your head turned today, maybe we were too noisy, maybe we were disturbing you, but I tried my best not to look up too, avoiding any accidental gazes for reasons that I don’t know of, all I know is, honestly, idk why

I think I missed you today.

one five seven part III

is this a sequel???!
Every time I feel like writing this post about T, I’ll pause and hesitate a little… Idk why, but its kinda stressful, knowing that I have described things in much detail the last two post and I felt obliged to do the same for this… hehehe 🙂

so here goesssss
Whenever L asks about it, I would tell her, oh yea, me and T have been tgt for quite long now I guess? But it feels like a mere 6 mths or so 🙂 I have no idea why, but truthfully (from the bottom of my heart) hahahaha, I have not felt that it was boring to meet with T; It might have been a hassle here and there but never boring 🙂
There was never one day that I wouldn’t not want to meet T. Times with T was precious because T is working and I am writing my thesis, and this makes it impossible to meet regularly 😦
I guess another important part of this prolly lies in how we feel that this bond we have is precious and kinda unrecognised??? 😦 I feel that there is a duty to protect this beautiful thing that we have here 🙂
The thing is, whether we are open or not, or that we seemed really open abt it on social media does not take the problem away; in reality, it is a lot more different than what is presented and perceived. These norms in the society would never go away, especially with the older generations, and forcing these ideals upon them is also quite unfair. Imagine having your whole life thinking a certain way, and because of some selfish reasons of mine, they have to suddenly accept this whole new concept. On my side, of course, I am seeking for their acceptance and blessings, but in my family’s rigid structure imbued with traditional and conservative values, it would be so GOD DAMN hard for them to even understand it, lest to accept.
And this would be the most that I could ask for – their understanding.

This comes to an essential part of this secret life of mine,
H  I  D  I  N  G
hehehehhehe
It is prolly the most annoying and painful process I have been going through /CRIES 😦
It is easy to seem all fine but social media can definitely tell all sorts of lies.
What is the most annoying part is the inability to share with your loved ones about this, inability to join into family gatherings, and the fear of being found out and thus, making sure that every single step taken is calculated and well-hidden.
I am not tired of this r/s, however, I feel some of the things can really descend into an unhealthy downward spiral of depression and it can get soo tiring.

1       I am just that friend

I go by the name S.
S visits T’s house often, and is always seen hanging around T. S could not tell the truth about some of the things pertaining to whatever that could hint at or suggest that they were together. Looks like S might be into T??? but is seen as a very very good friend of T; she doesn’t get the rights to go out on dates with T, or to even meet T’s parents in her real status of a gf. It would seem really weird that S is staying over so often, and have doubts on whether S has a real job or not? When S buys some presents from overseas for T’s family, it would be deemed as ‘Oh, yeah, that friend again.’
I don’t wanna be S; I want to be me. 😥

After many multiple excuses and white lies, there seemed to be an never-ending need to cover up the previous lies with some more lies and this cycle goes on and on. I have another identity and it honestly, sucks.
People might ask why can’t I be myself? Oh, this it want I wanted, but things just don’t go that way with questions that question my existence.
The world just doesnt go round sometimes.

2      Jealousy

hahahahahaha, jealousy.
hmmmm when T’s bro’s gf can come right into the house without announcing, without hiding, her shoes can be put outside, while mine would be taken up to hide. 😦 How she can easily go for breakfast with them, while I hid somewhere, fearful of every little thing that could jeopardise my position and they would find out etc etc etc. Things like that. lol.
That unfairness of how things could have been so easy, if it was different, or if we were deemed as normal. Sometimes I wonder if I want to live my life like this 😥 The fight for love and equality just doesn’t make anything better if our parents are conservative? (which is almost most of Sg parents)
I get so jealous sometimes and I’ll just be in tears, and when T asked me what happen? I’ll just say, I’m so tired.
T will always say, Wait for a few years more. (and I can’t wait <3)
I often have nightmares here and there, all on the same theme of being found out. I feel like a spy in the movie, where every move has to be calculated and be concise. When things go wrongly, it is a step closer to them finding out and i’ll be killed in the movie … and it just kinda sucky?

Looking at the bright side, this little espionage that I am taking part in everyday is kinda exciting. I rmb how i used to tell s abt the process and how afraid I was to be hiding here and there, and how little noises I make could be exaggerated, and how I try to cover my tracks… She finds it all too amusing and exciting hahaha. With all the pain and annoyance, this little hideout could be truly called yours and mine.
It is my escape and your refuge.


hehehehehe
In other newssssss,
We do fight A L O T (lol)
Now with my new hair, she calls me fighting fish for my stubborn and fiery personality, I will bite you, if you step on me hahaha
Although, sometimes, I feel like I could be less emotional to deal with certain situations hehe but I am still throwing tantrums here and there (oops)
Recently s asked me if T have became fatter (lololol) and the answer is Yes (lol), I have been feeding T well 🙂 and also, gives her my leftover food since I do not eat much hehe

TBC

its my birthday heh

yuppppp this date
eighth of may

it gets to me when I am twenty-something, I feel soo god damn old
Lol
For me, I never kinda? acted like my age, I am still quite childish hehhhhhehehehe
still love the presents and surprises and meet up with friendsss
wish these would never end
I mean birthdays are not a big ass thing or a really really compulsory thing to celebrate but I would love to celebrate it with my loved ones cause it means so much to me except for my fam hehe

I guess I am still the kind of girl who wants her birthday to be remembered, I’d still prefer heartfelt text messages more than anything else hehe


Honestly life isn’t that perfect and I’d still feel sad for friends that I have lost throughout my life; some choices were inevitable, some regretful, and some necessary.
When I think of my future or my thesis its really DEATH. haha
(just have to tell myself constantly to NOT think about it ughughughgughgug)

On this special (or not so special) day, I would like to make some wishes/hopes/dreams/resolutions for the future:
urrhummm!
I will gladly accept all that life has to offer and hope that I’ll make a beautiful life out of it 🙂 Holding on to certain things in life would not do me good, and I will tryyyyy my best to let them go (lol, says the stubborn me)
And, I might not want to have kids in the future, maybe i’ll choose to adopt children
Most imptly, I wish I could try to make the world a safer place for women.
I mean I am not sure how, maybe architecturally would be to create safe-homes for women in those unstable countries and those vulnerable to sexual violence, coercion and abuse 😦 Or maybe even in Singapore.

And hopefully, I’ll be a good architect and an ethical one in the future 🙂
woohhoooo
love hate relationship with archi tho

back to my bday 🙂 🙂

f celebrated like twice for me alrr hahahahaha
idk why, is it cause I made her feel like its a big thing??
Such that f feel obliged? but i am alr so blessed to have f in my life
I don’t need these things hehehehe
but still going out for the 3rd celebration today HEHEHEHEHEHE
Love you, f.
Holding your hands makes me feel invincible and gives me strength to be ready for any challenges ahead ❤

IMG_2709.JPG

yay, happy birthday to me!

alcoholism

the past week was a week to let myself be free and less stressed
and technically, to focus this week.
tuesday, i went to drink with s, m, a, j and k
it was sooo funny
cant deal
cards against humanity was hilarious
didnt win cos s is the smartie
then beer pong, never tried it in my whole life
but realized that I was PRETTY good at it
i guess alcoholics have a way with it
saturday, cherry.
went w hehehehehehheheheeh
a smaller part of CBs, s and m
and xs and f ❤
love the interior~
but its too hot to have fun tho

oh well but its monday today
and didn’t feel like focusing or
studying
or working
l o l
LIFE sux in general

i’m really liking

my new nickname – hotcakes.
hehehehe

a name that you think its suitable and started calling me from ytd
its pretty weird cos i like hotcakes from macs
but to hear you call me that makes me wonder if your love for me is as strong as my love for hotcakes?!?!

in the mood

for nthhhhhh

life’s been HORRIBLE
H ORRIBLEEEEEEEEEEE
OK so, I’ve been writing this thesis and it is srsly ruining my self-confidence every single day.. dk if everybody felt like that, or that they are so damn sure of their design statement, im just… drowning in self-doubt and those insecurities aren’t going away any time soon. Idk if im doing architecture…. when everybody tells me its fine, but im just …. So lost? Lost in studio (hahahaha), lost in thesis, lost in life,
Why am i not lost? I wanna disappear now.
and *poof* appear in bali with a margarita
(can i plz haz double the tequila inside?) 🙂 🙂 🙂
LOL BUT in reality, LIFE SUCKS.
How can someone be so confident and sure 😥
I mean I’m not that confident myself to begin with also……
SIGH

oh well, I feel like i need to get myself back into the mood,
Where i could just go to cafes, enjoy a carefree day strolling around aimlessly, sitting at starbucks, sketching, painting or doing calligraphy or i could colour my secret gardens which I started, and its at….. page 1 still 🙂

but life is getting in the way of these things recently 😦

So much to care abt, people’s judgements and opinions, acceptance and gosh, hate the world sometimes for its beauty standards and conservative thinking ugh and also how do I know if this would turn out well or not? 😦
huehuehuehueheuheue

thankful for someone that I could escape most of the time, I mean we pretty much started out like this and it has never stopped :’)
everytime it feels like my troubles seemed to go away, but when you’re not there, I crumble 😥 hahaha not that bad, im independent too. Its just that, I would like to think that way 🙂 If I had a choice, we would be in our house, building our place and you could buy any expensive projector you want, and we can lay on the bed, drink some moscato and watch netflix and chill alllll dayyyyyyy ❤

3 things i did in the holidays were:
1. Finally tried to buy cheapass TAOBAO STUFFZXCZX which i kept attacking f for hahahahahah shes an ADDICT (but I cant wait for it to come hehe)
2. Bought this harddrive thing for my macbook which cost me a BOMB but its 128GB hmmmmmmm (dk if my life choices were right)
3. Was sick and didnt see the doctors for 2 weeks! Thought it was an accomplishment that I can be strong as hell, like the olden days where there was no doctors, but oh god mother of chicken wings,was I wrong. I’m still sick now and having a slight fever 😥 I haven’t been sleeping well cos i coughed all night. Ytd I slept at 3, woke up multiple times by my cough, and woke up at 7am…. (Im sorry i passed to f too, and it got real bad) Just went to the doctors today and sigh, got tons of medicine again
Hate pillsssss so much
But I learnt a lesson: to always see a doctor, so I wouldnt pass it on to anyone 🙂

Tee hee.
Hope I can survive this SHIT cos i dont think i can…….. honestly.
Hope I can play everyday!! (its my new years resolution actually heh)

d,

“We were meant to be, supposed to be but we lost it.”

I saw you today
And…. almost every other day. I wish I could tell myself that you don’t matter to me anymore, why the fuck am I even thinking or like how my friends said, omg, just STOP thinking about it, and just hate her or smth to make yourself feel better.
But, I cant.

You have been such a big part of my life; I almost feel like if you were gone, I might be a little lost in life??? It is that kind of feeling, (it may or may not be true?) who knows? but it felt like that still. Hmmm the hatred is gone (yayyyyy i love it) I dontttttttt ever hate someone unless you step on my tail and crushed it and make it into a ice-blended drink and sell it at starbucks at a venti price. If not, ill be usually nice heheeheheh. It seems so long ago, I’ve almost forgotten how it felt like? But I still rmb clearly how it used to be, how you made me feel for the first time in my life (heh) It was memorable and pleasantly nice to reminisce 🙂 It would never go away, no matter how much I wanted it gone last time.
Deal with it.  <—– my motto for 2017 hehe
It is almost working…. (almost).

There’s so many questions that I wanna ask, at this point in time, theres no explanation needed for both sides. I just want to say (i kinda miss you) in a ex kinda way, in that platonic kind of way; we used to be best friends! And we shared everything….. but we gone a little too far hehhhhhhhhh. In an alternate universe, it would be great if things could go back in order (for a little while), to those times when we were still best friends and having so much fun. If only…..

miss you tho

 

much thoughts tonight
lol 

 

today’s a little special

I was going down memory lane a few days ago, and I thought how strong and capable I was (to myself) to be able to go through such terrible terrible incidents (perverts are SHIT), and yet make it through this far. The anxiety, the stresses and the insecurities, they led me here, one way or another, but how did I come so far?  To see myself in the mirror and see this woman standing in front of myself, I was kinda shocked about what I’ve become (tbh) You know that feeling when I stood in front of the mirror and you see how much you’ve changed, and were shocked??! lol, i still find it a tad creepy and confusing.

In the past, I was my own perfect little satanic devil of my body.
Brewing on my insides were hate, self doubt, lack of self-esteem and a depressed soul but the most toxic, was hatred. I was able to hurt myself mentally and physically, it almost felt like while I had control over my whole self, I did not either. It felt contradicting and oddly, satisfying. I felt like I had so much power, when in fact, I was powerless over my mind and my body. (I always wanted to be a psychologist/psychiatrist(??), but felt like if I were to help people, I had to listen to their stories, and I would be too emotionally driven and could not make an accurate diagnosis lol but when I had one, I hated her to the core, what a love-hate relationship I had w my psych lol) It was one big hurdle that Ive got to cross, and until today, I do not know whether it is truly over yet. These bouts of unhappiness comes and go, and you’ll never know when it’ll hit you again.

vague vague vague vague vague

teehee being so vague in what I’m talking about gives me some pleasure (lol), cos if I were to write what happened, I might not be able to read it myself hehehehe but I believe that everybody at that point in time would have some kind of experience (or not) Be it bullying, depression, micro-aggression, harassment, loss or failures that are hard to deal with. Hurt humans are everywhereeeeeeeee. And listening to evil people (lol) everyday, talking about how people should be, how they are too slutty, too smart, too cocky or how judgemental people are, made me realised that the world is actually just like that. We just have to deal with that. Grow with the criticisms and learn how to overcome that, so that we could all get stronger. Although it would be great if that person could block off all these negativity, but its impossible to do so, you’ll just get so affected , you know?? but SIGH I wished people would be kinder towards one another cos you’d never know what the person is experiencing, and one word or one comment, would drive the person nuts, and do something to hurt themselves or end their lives.

RANT

 

—–

i miss you d

xx

heart aches

We can have countless loves in this life
But we only get one or two
Great
Soul catching
Heart crushing
Wish fulfilling
Deepest depths of our being touching
Loves
And what if it’s already happened
We had it
But it wasn’t a lasting love
And every other love after this
Is destined to be just enough
In perpetuity

#tc