W

thankful for this little space

alcoholism

the past week was a week to let myself be free and less stressed
and technically, to focus this week.
tuesday, i went to drink with s, m, a, j and k
it was sooo funny
cant deal
cards against humanity was hilarious
didnt win cos s is the smartie
then beer pong, never tried it in my whole life
but realized that I was PRETTY good at it
i guess alcoholics have a way with it
saturday, cherry.
went w hehehehehehheheheeh
a smaller part of CBs, s and m
and xs and f ❤
love the interior~
but its too hot to have fun tho

oh well but its monday today
and didn’t feel like focusing or
studying
or working
l o l
LIFE sux in general

i’m really liking

my new nickname – hotcakes.
hehehehe

a name that you think its suitable and started calling me from ytd
its pretty weird cos i like hotcakes from macs
but to hear you call me that makes me wonder if your love for me is as strong as my love for hotcakes?!?!

in the mood

for nthhhhhh

life’s been HORRIBLE
H ORRIBLEEEEEEEEEEE
OK so, I’ve been writing this thesis and it is srsly ruining my self-confidence every single day.. dk if everybody felt like that, or that they are so damn sure of their design statement, im just… drowning in self-doubt and those insecurities aren’t going away any time soon. Idk if im doing architecture…. when everybody tells me its fine, but im just …. So lost? Lost in studio (hahahaha), lost in thesis, lost in life,
Why am i not lost? I wanna disappear now.
and *poof* appear in bali with a margarita
(can i plz haz double the tequila inside?) 🙂 🙂 🙂
LOL BUT in reality, LIFE SUCKS.
How can someone be so confident and sure 😥
I mean I’m not that confident myself to begin with also……
SIGH

oh well, I feel like i need to get myself back into the mood,
Where i could just go to cafes, enjoy a carefree day strolling around aimlessly, sitting at starbucks, sketching, painting or doing calligraphy or i could colour my secret gardens which I started, and its at….. page 1 still 🙂

but life is getting in the way of these things recently 😦

So much to care abt, people’s judgements and opinions, acceptance and gosh, hate the world sometimes for its beauty standards and conservative thinking ugh and also how do I know if this would turn out well or not? 😦
huehuehuehueheuheue

thankful for someone that I could escape most of the time, I mean we pretty much started out like this and it has never stopped :’)
everytime it feels like my troubles seemed to go away, but when you’re not there, I crumble 😥 hahaha not that bad, im independent too. Its just that, I would like to think that way 🙂 If I had a choice, we would be in our house, building our place and you could buy any expensive projector you want, and we can lay on the bed, drink some moscato and watch netflix and chill alllll dayyyyyyy ❤

3 things i did in the holidays were:
1. Finally tried to buy cheapass TAOBAO STUFFZXCZX which i kept attacking f for hahahahahah shes an ADDICT (but I cant wait for it to come hehe)
2. Bought this harddrive thing for my macbook which cost me a BOMB but its 128GB hmmmmmmm (dk if my life choices were right)
3. Was sick and didnt see the doctors for 2 weeks! Thought it was an accomplishment that I can be strong as hell, like the olden days where there was no doctors, but oh god mother of chicken wings,was I wrong. I’m still sick now and having a slight fever 😥 I haven’t been sleeping well cos i coughed all night. Ytd I slept at 3, woke up multiple times by my cough, and woke up at 7am…. (Im sorry i passed to f too, and it got real bad) Just went to the doctors today and sigh, got tons of medicine again
Hate pillsssss so much
But I learnt a lesson: to always see a doctor, so I wouldnt pass it on to anyone 🙂

Tee hee.
Hope I can survive this SHIT cos i dont think i can…….. honestly.
Hope I can play everyday!! (its my new years resolution actually heh)

d,

“We were meant to be, supposed to be but we lost it.”

I saw you today
And…. almost every other day. I wish I could tell myself that you don’t matter to me anymore, why the fuck am I even thinking or like how my friends said, omg, just STOP thinking about it, and just hate her or smth to make yourself feel better.
But, I cant.

You have been such a big part of my life; I almost feel like if you were gone, I might be a little lost in life??? It is that kind of feeling, (it may or may not be true?) who knows? but it felt like that still. Hmmm the hatred is gone (yayyyyy i love it) I dontttttttt ever hate someone unless you step on my tail and crushed it and make it into a ice-blended drink and sell it at starbucks at a venti price. If not, ill be usually nice heheeheheh. It seems so long ago, I’ve almost forgotten how it felt like? But I still rmb clearly how it used to be, how you made me feel for the first time in my life (heh) It was memorable and pleasantly nice to reminisce 🙂 It would never go away, no matter how much I wanted it gone last time.
Deal with it.  <—– my motto for 2017 hehe
It is almost working…. (almost).

There’s so many questions that I wanna ask, at this point in time, theres no explanation needed for both sides. I just want to say (i kinda miss you) in a ex kinda way, in that platonic kind of way; we used to be best friends! And we shared everything….. but we gone a little too far hehhhhhhhhh. In an alternate universe, it would be great if things could go back in order (for a little while), to those times when we were still best friends and having so much fun. If only…..

miss you tho

 

much thoughts tonight
lol 

 

today’s a little special

I was going down memory lane a few days ago, and I thought how strong and capable I was (to myself) to be able to go through such terrible terrible incidents (perverts are SHIT), and yet make it through this far. The anxiety, the stresses and the insecurities, they led me here, one way or another, but how did I come so far?  To see myself in the mirror and see this woman standing in front of myself, I was kinda shocked about what I’ve become (tbh) You know that feeling when I stood in front of the mirror and you see how much you’ve changed, and were shocked??! lol, i still find it a tad creepy and confusing.

In the past, I was my own perfect little satanic devil of my body.
Brewing on my insides were hate, self doubt, lack of self-esteem and a depressed soul but the most toxic, was hatred. I was able to hurt myself mentally and physically, it almost felt like while I had control over my whole self, I did not either. It felt contradicting and oddly, satisfying. I felt like I had so much power, when in fact, I was powerless over my mind and my body. (I always wanted to be a psychologist/psychiatrist(??), but felt like if I were to help people, I had to listen to their stories, and I would be too emotionally driven and could not make an accurate diagnosis lol but when I had one, I hated her to the core, what a love-hate relationship I had w my psych lol) It was one big hurdle that Ive got to cross, and until today, I do not know whether it is truly over yet. These bouts of unhappiness comes and go, and you’ll never know when it’ll hit you again.

vague vague vague vague vague

teehee being so vague in what I’m talking about gives me some pleasure (lol), cos if I were to write what happened, I might not be able to read it myself hehehehe but I believe that everybody at that point in time would have some kind of experience (or not) Be it bullying, depression, micro-aggression, harassment, loss or failures that are hard to deal with. Hurt humans are everywhereeeeeeeee. And listening to evil people (lol) everyday, talking about how people should be, how they are too slutty, too smart, too cocky or how judgemental people are, made me realised that the world is actually just like that. We just have to deal with that. Grow with the criticisms and learn how to overcome that, so that we could all get stronger. Although it would be great if that person could block off all these negativity, but its impossible to do so, you’ll just get so affected , you know?? but SIGH I wished people would be kinder towards one another cos you’d never know what the person is experiencing, and one word or one comment, would drive the person nuts, and do something to hurt themselves or end their lives.

RANT

 

—–

i miss you d

xx

heart aches

We can have countless loves in this life
But we only get one or two
Great
Soul catching
Heart crushing
Wish fulfilling
Deepest depths of our being touching
Loves
And what if it’s already happened
We had it
But it wasn’t a lasting love
And every other love after this
Is destined to be just enough
In perpetuity

#tc

-‘-

all i know is
how to cry

today

nothing will ever soothe my soul wouldn’t it?

tenth of july

it felt pretty weird when i woke up
then i realised its a Sunday. A freakin Sunday.
hmmmmm much of me have tried to forget about this and all the feelings i have felt on this day
i guess it was not that you weren’t more sensitive about my feelings
maybe the love was never strong enough for you to care
or maybe i didn’t tell you how neglected I felt every now and then
who knows what you’re thinking, and how would you know how I felt then?
the family’s at church now, and here i am, blamed for not wanting to attend (lol)
too tired to explain, too much to say; too silent this protest
The last time we broke, i did attend some of the sessions (haha)
i want to know how you felt and how was it like,
(sunday schools never taught me all these things from young)
i know the church might be different?? im not sure (????) but i do feel the same immense guilt and felt condemned, I understood a little more, i kinda get why you’re struggling so much when it meant so much to you. I did not want to take that away but, I didn’t want Him to be in the relationship with us. I cannot let Him control how you should act in front of me as if my love was wrong. There was no freakin solution to this, its either you are or you’re not. Then again, who am I to dictate someone’s faith in life? I feel they could coexist and i mentioned a few times, but most of the time, this was one of those no no topics that I could never talk about lest you get angry or a little bit more sensitive :/ but oh well, that part of coexistence did not surface in your dictionary either.

Sundays, can i ever get over you?

/

cant wait for more escapades
i need them in my life
i need to escape
i need to find my little safe haven
and damn, its not at home