a bag of bare bones

twenty four

of both the extremes and the most delicate;
of nights that filled with joy;
of days dancing like a repressed soul;
with shots too many to count;
with laughter that hurt once in a while.

huddled beneath the warmth of my white quilt, trying to figure out everything slowly;
why does my hungover hurt like hell?



I used to be really confident of the things I do; the friends I make.
but recently, I have been doubting my choices.
Not all could be trusted, and definitely, not all friendships end up healthy, or the way I wanted it to be.
Its these times that make me feel slightly more vulnerable than I already am or used to.
Its also these times that I treasure the most; when things are different, it makes you reflect; It warns you about certain things to take note of in life, it gives you some pleasure in knowing that you were right all along, it also gives you uncertainty that puts you off, but ultimately, you find yourself and the way back.
In a way, they come hand in hand, no one greater than the other.

t o
u n c e r t a i n t i e s
p o s s i b i l i t i e s


the truth

t h o u g h t s      a t       1 : 2 9     a  m

Cant really think clearly now
but I rmb I ig story-ed this rant saying that sometimes I feel like Im treated differently because people view me as being different.
I am tired of trying…
I need to know and realise that sometimes in this world, people are going to hate each other for no specific reason. (For this, there’s actually a specific reason for them to hate), and they do so such that they can differentiate between the ‘clean’ and the ‘unclean’.

(Yea I’m the latter to them)
Learning that to each their own, and to let go, might be the greatest lesson I could learn from this.
And yes, talking about a specific few humans. But I wont mention names.
Whoever you are, you know it.

I mean there is nothing I can say and I don’t wanna hate, so please, just ….


S T A Y    A W A Y


with the same old peeps ❤

There’s no words to describe how comfortable I am with this bunch of humans. Glad we found each other 🙂


With the lights dimmed in my room, and with my little moon light glowing on the floor, it feels exceptionally relaxing to be alone in my room, especially so tonight. The world is silent, and everything is at peace, and I could finally pen down my thoughts.

I have started work for about three weeks now, and I am still a little apprehensive, worried that I am not architecturally trained enough and other than the architecture, I’m also afraid that I may not blend well with my colleagues. It has been well so far. I do not like to put my hopes up high lest disappointment gets higher and harder to swallow. But my boss, I have to say, is a really genuine and nice person. He makes me feel that I’m a very lucky person to have joined his team, though small, but sufficient and happy. Giving me most of the freedom at my work with ample guidance; he makes me feel like I can ask any question, and he would not be angry. I am still trying to hold back a little as I am still on my probation…

‘I feel like you just worked here last year!’ was the sweetest thing he said, when in fact, I’ve worked there three years ago, and after a lunch with him, and his considerations of how much I’ve grown in these three years, I was hired. There was so much doubts on whether I could live up to his expectations, or what Exactly are his expectations of me? There was too much insecurities and doubts and proving myself feels less important as I just want to do my best now, without thinking too much.

I brought T to the office Christmas party for the very first time and I was petrified. (obviously) Four days of stepping into my new office, and suddenly I’m introducing T?! Am I a tad too fast? Although I have worked with him for 3 months in the past, but it was too fleeting to count that as anything. The thing I do know is that, I do not want to hide. It has been a terrible feeling for the past years and when I could not be true to myself, I feel fake acting around people (its just me) but it is beginning to take a toll on me.

Everybody was sitting on the carpet when T knocked on the door of my bosses’s house. ‘Is it her?’ he mouthed those words. As I nodded, he swiftly stood up and walked towards the door, with me following behind. I was like little bambi, not knowing what to expect.  T was greeted kindly with a handshake and a smile and he introduced himself as my boss, asking her to make herself comfortable in his humble home. Knowing that T was at work and hadn’t had anything before she came, he offered T some soup and his lovely wife went to the kitchen to heat up. It may not seem much to others, but at that moment, it just struck me. He was extremely supportive and accepting. I wasn’t expecting such graciousness and the feeling of being accepted by my mentor and my boss, makes me feel remarkably loved. I can’t really explain the feeling. M, a friend of my boss, pointed at us both asking if we are really tgt, and as we nodded, he held his hands together and raised it to his cheeks in glee and in approval. This made us feel even more comfortable to be in the presence of these charming individuals which they shared their stories all night. Stories in their lives that were intriguing, entertaining and sometimes absurd! It was the first time, where I felt close to people in the party. Is this why grown ups drink wine and party every week?! Because its ridiculously relaxing and fun. That, will be me (in 5 years time hehe)

December, full of highs and lows, and things to remember. This decision to start work early turns out to be filled with learning opportunities, knowledge and wisdom gained from others, and it has been a great preamble to my twenty-eighteen, when things are really getting started, for real.


how long must I wait
 or how long can I last?
 stay strong, they say
 but I am not enough and never enough

In my bed, with the lights dimmed
 my heart and hands, cold
 how can I sleep when my mind is in turmoil
 my brain refuses to stop working


when escape is my constant,
reality becomes blurred and hazy
when the shield fades momentarily,
It hits me straight in the gut
before I even realize it
today, it felt like
my feelings were redundant
my devotion, unnecessary
my love, preposterous
And my existence, irrelevant.



Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you



Oh damn.

Clubbing is really great when all things add up; the atmosphere, the right amt of buzz, the music, and the company. It was REALLLY GR8 ytd w m, s, f and di. (lol)

It was kinda funny when m asked if I wanted to go and said s is coming and also di. I took awhile to reply m cos I was like thinking for so long if I could handle this, and maybe, just maybe I can???? After doubting myself, I started to question m’s loyalty of why she chose to ask her before me?? 😥 But ALLS WELL when I found out that it was another di :’) Hehe and she’s so funny. She seemed a lil down tho :/ Hope you’re fine 🙂

Somehow with this bunch, it is really a different kind of experience. A real and genuine one, nobody was there to tell us what to do and what not. No judgements flying around and there’s nth to worry about. This is really the one night where we can all let loose. There’s really nth much I can ask for but only for these nights to never end, and these friendships to last 💗

/my hands were bloody when I woke up?! Prolly cos I held on to that bloody fake hand HAHA

Spies Girls

In my dream, mean girls were on a mission at the beach.
(cue james bond soundtrack)
Mean girls, including me, mel, mar, abi and chai were all spies. (kinda like a bigger group of less attractive totally spies without gadgets HEHE)

SCENE 1 – The Mission

The day started as five of us were in the car, and mar was driving us to the beach. It was a red convertible car with an open hood and we were having the time of our lives. On the way, we found an abandoned spy car which led us to finding our way into a restaurant. We sat at a table for 5, and were having fun; laughing and making a lot of noise (as usual) There, we received a message, a little white paper note was passed to us by the waitress, instructing us of our mission of the day, and it wrote, ‘Two spies missing, find them.’ We knew that two of our company spies have failed, and might alr have compromised their identity, hence it was crucial that we find them fast. But to lessen the suspicion, we continued to laugh and have fun while I ordered 2 more cocktails in the mean time. (LOL) It was like we have done this before and very naturally, we split ourselves into two groups, me and mar, and mel chai abi, and in the dream, it felt strangely familiar. So the three girls were to stay put and provide backup while me and mar went off with the car to find the two missing spies. (Somehow we knew they were in another restaurant, which is restaurant 2)

SCENE 2 – Telepathy

We parked the cars right outside, climbed up the staircase of restaurant 2 and was greeted by a grand entrance. We felt that the atmosphere was pretty weird and unexplainable, but it was a very luxurious restaurant. While we waited for our seats, at the side of my eye, I saw one of our spies in the kitchen, she was being tied up with ropes and her mouth was taped with black tape and was kneeling on the floor. Signalling to mar, she ran towards the kitchen and she hid there. She popped her head over the counter of the kitchen and gave me an eye contact to confirm the missing spy but the other spy is still missing.

The spy told her (and I could hear from afar) that he was in danger as the chef was going to put him into the pizza kiln at the back of this restaurant. Mar ran  back to my side and nobody could tell that she moved. I guess her superpowers was to run damn quickly till she’s invisible. LOL. As the waitress came back to serve us to our seats, we walked in and mar was pretending to search for the toilet, but saw no signs of the guy. Suddenly, (with my powerful hearing abilities), I heard a man at the back of the restaurant, and knew his location and it was in this secret room with the door camouflaged as the wall. As we charged towards the door, and entered the room, the chef saw us! The two spies were missioned to steal the chef’s secret recipe, which was a secret document for the government?!?! They did not get to the document but were about to be put in the kiln! We fought the chef and managed to release the other spies. We pointed to the direction where their car would be placed and they could make their escape. Magically, the trio, mel, chai and abi, placed the car there, and we kinda had this telepathy that we knew it was there. LOL and the spies escaped 🙂

SCENE 3 – Boom boom pow LOL

Me and mar ran out of the restaurant and ran down the steps as fast as we could, and I can feel that my legs were aching as hell. (might be cos of darts the day before lol) And we jumped into our convertible and swiftly moved off to somewhere else. We wanted to drive back to the first restaurant but felt that it was too risky. The time period was set in the olden days, prolly 90s where where we could not text, and phones were the big ass ones. I tried to call them but we couldn’t get hold of them and decided to drive back to r1. When we arrived, we found out that the three of them were already there! They actually took the old car, and drove to the telepathic escape location, and they made it back before me and mar could. We were so excited and thought that the mission is over and all we wanted was to swim and relax at the beach. I guess this was why we came to the beach in the first place, but was delayed by some mission ugh. Haha. Mel then showed us some coupons that she had and took it out, and we all realised it’s useless and for the baby playing pool lol (random moments like this adds to the realness of the dream haha)

While we were all celebrating, abi saw one suspicious guy around, and turns out that three of the chefs came after us, and they have guns!! Chai quickly ran out to tackle with one guy (WEW), while mel ran towards the other one.(WEWEW) It’s confirmed that chai and mel had some beating powers LOL While the girls fought with the two chefs, three of us quickly ran towards the beach to safer grounds. What we did not expect was that the third chef did not chase after us, but stood at the side of the restaurant and he actually THREW A GRENADE at the restaurant. LOL.

The scene ended with all five girls walking out of the exploding restaurant in the background like a baywatch/ charlie angels finale!!!! Smiling and laughing as we all exited the restaurant.
All in all, it was a successful mission.

I woke up.
Hope we all went to swim. 🙂 

/jotted down this dream on my phone when I woke up and I finally wrote abt it