x

I feel a little rush

…

I think I’ve got a little crush on you

never-ending

Its 12.18am
cramps have been killing me the whole entire day
feel like I need 5 days to not move and recover from this
–
On rare occasions when I do return home, I’m reminded of my youth and particularly my dreams
My room is an experimental bed of dreams and full of all my handmade items that I kept.
The little plank of wood with nails as legs (not my proudest work), all my concrete study models (which i kept!), my ceiling pendant (which reminds me of my courage and creativity, but at the same time, the rawness of it all, reflected my mistakes and it’s imperfections, and most evidently my procrastination haha)
In my uni days, I tried to start a light shop
Not sure why lights too haha, just started with it, and it was called the light experiment (lol)
Unknowingly (or stupidly), paid for the subscription on shopify for a year and did nth with it haha
i still ~~ cringe ~~ at the name hahaha
I couldn’t have fulfilled any orders since I was busy surviving archi school
Closed the shop and went ahead to freelance for diagrams instead since its less time consuming, and it was good money to pay for my hostel

Recently the dream is back, or maybe it never left
(plus, I had more time to think about life after my exams haha)
maybe i shld name it seoseo shop / seoseo store / small home objects (but c felt that it was too common and more importantly – forgettable hahaha)
im itching to make some stuff and cant wait to get started, that is, when I do have the capacity for it
–
Maybe its the age, but I am unable to OT any longer, and also it feels like I’m drowning in work
My brain, consistently pumped and drained during my work hours
After work, I could only think of what to eat hahaha
and nth else
I require 8 hrs of sleep everyday, or 7? depending on the amount of sleep on the weekend
–
ok time for bed

xx

two nights before exam

wrote this before the exam hahaha
just wanted to keep track of my mental state which is none HAHA
glad i made it :’) all thanks to honestly everybody that helped me in my life
coz archi is kinda like an apprenticeship
everyone i met has been kind enough to teach me shit :’)

hehe feeling sooo grateful


————–

16 may 2022

it is 3.20am and raining outside, coincidentally I’m thinking abt some souls that I’ve hurt last time for some reason, they must be feeling as lonely as I am now and I get them.

I must admit that I felt guilty for not using the maximum hours in a day to study but my brain is truly fried, I m not sure if I shld continue w contracts or just let it go and study codes ~

I also think that I may not be the most hardworking person ever and it’s just tough that this is happening now

Tho I must say my progression is fast n quick from panicking when looking at the paper, to complaining about the paper and if the same past year qns type came out, im not willing to write the answers for them anymore

Tho not sure what I think of the gaps in my learning and also I haven’t been really attentive to fel’s needs coz I m just studying

Hope she’s surviving her covid shit and I just scratched myself a little too hard by accident

Oh well it’s all fated I guess ~

I don’t dare to look at well wishes coz I’m afraid of them, idk why as well just hope some Archi god or soul can possess me for one day

is it all fated? I guess I’ll update you soon. Goodnight world my eyes r D e d

thoughts at midnight

It is these times near midnight and i just cant possibly think about work or life anymore
and i’m compelled to pen down my thoughts as if it is penance for my idle mind.
Using ‘waiting for my heater’ as an excuse for me to be fully engrossed in my own mindless random thoughts and imaginations, aka my endless day-dreaming
which is also my fav activity to do 24/7
my brain is not so idle after all

– are my plants drinking enough water or more than they should?
– did i forget to charge my apple pencil again
– hmm, what shld i eat tmr (very impt life question)
– am i actually overworked or actually no (another v impt qn)
– shld i redo my portfolio
think im always experiencing some kind of designer’s guilt as to whether i shld update my portfolio, and if i don’t get to it, i’ll never get to it hahahaha (cries in laughter)
– the aware saga podcast is such a good podcast.
it was touching and heartbreaking at the same time, and so important (to me at least).
It offers a glimpse into the society in the 2000s that is hopeful, inclusive, and showcased their struggles while gunning for equality and their tenacious fight against oppression
It also revealed how broken the society is where people can be filled with such extreme ideals and narrow mindedness, (and they actually have enough support?!) to try to overthrow a woman’s organisation. (to them i would say, savior girlssss, chill. stop trying to set us all back to where we once were)
i shall repeat the podcast again, to listen with a more rational brain rather than one filled with emotions.

– and what do my dreams actually mean
Ytd i had a somewhat terrifying dream that me and fel were gently kidnapped (we didnt expect it and trusted them and it happened) and was kept hostage in a locked room. We tried to escape from the windows but it had metal grilles, so I went on to secretly make friends and grew closer to the wife of the kidnapper, and she treated us really well (secretly), offering us brunch-like cafe food – avo on toasts and after dinner fruits like mango and also comfy blankets during our stay.
At night, she had agreed to set us free tmr morning without her husband’s knowledge and at the climax of my dream, my alarm rang and I woke up. (super anti climatic~)
I never got to know whether we got away successfully, or is it all just a facade, and we can never escape..
I hope I can return to the next episode of this dream – my dreams can be 4/5 episodes long, they are usually like a drama series in netflix, where they play part of the old scene, to remind which series im viewing again and continue with the episode
(for this, I’m really appreciative of my subconscious or unconscious mind)
– am I weird or do other people’s dreams work like this too?
– sometimes i cant resolve my plans, and i’ll wake up from my sleep with the plan resolved in my brain
if people asks me, i’d say i dreamt it last night
– is my heater done

This is honestly the most relaxing time of my day, to be in one’s thoughts completely
and I feel free.

adventures of the winter bandits

writing this on a lazy sunday afternoon
(and continued writing several times) 

That was our 18-day itinerary for copenhagen, iceland and oslo
As you can see, we had no plans for oslo because we’re lazy and tired and decided to go with the flow at Oslo.
And, we also did not camp out in Iceland as fel is quite the urban metropolitan who hates all things natural, sightseeing is one thing, and living in it is another haha.

How oh how i missss to travel , reflecting back during covid times now.

This was the most intense period in my career, and I had decided that TOP was in Sep/Oct as planned, and booked the flights to be in Dec/Jan, but all hell broke loose when it did not TOP, and I still travelled as per my plans, and boss said you can come back anytime when I call you right? (jokingly)
I came back to follow up in early Jan (like I boarded a super fast speed train) and only TOP till I came back in 20+ Jan. (and my first and most memorable TOP ever)

Copenhagen 

Decked in our dr martens / timberlands and kanken bags, we arrived and are ready for our holiday. I was definitely kidding myself when I said I’m not afraid of cold weathers…. (when I was younger) I was wearing at least 5 layers (and 2 heat techs in the 5 layers to keep myself somewhat warm), with an outer jacket with all the necessary scarf, beanie and thick gloves and socks + heat pack 

In the cold, I was super inactive while on the other hand, fel is super active, with only 2 layers of clothing… 
I kept wanting to sleep, while fel is ~at my normal energy level~ in Singapore. 

Mornings pretty much looked like this, ahh pretty blues 

Typical Copen mornings consisted of fel cooking, while I donned my inner cat-woman outfit ready to brave through the cold. 

We went on to travel in Copenhagen style – in bikes. 
The bikes were definitely too tall for us, I wonder if they purposefully chose taller bikes for us, such that we have to jump off the bike seat to that space in between the seats and the handles, to come to a complete stop everytime we stop (ingenious idea / or could be that Im thinking too much). The kerbs at the side of the designated cycling path was my best friend and at the perfect height to place my feet while stopping before the traffic light. 

We rode to many places in the cold weather, and was actively exercising but not perspiring unlike in our equatorial motherland – a small movement can earn a free bucketful of sweat. 

Some of my favourite places 

The circle bridge in Copenhagen – caught it amongst the mist and its Vikings mysteriousness 

The architectural dream library – black diamond  

Pulled out one of the drawers at the old bibliotek and realised its all handwritten letters from the past 
Sadly, a true art form that is lost now 
And, I bought a tote bag from the library shop : ) 

Stopped by this dainty little breakfast shop opposite the building we were visiting. 

Did not try to get in, but admired it from afar in the cafe – A children’s hospital Rigshospitalet by 3XN 

Breakfast platter that is much needed from all that cold cycling – and with hot chocolate! 

Made a little pit stop at Superkilen but it was raining heavily and we left swiftly.

The conception of this playground and its amalgamating cultures felt honest and wholly heartwarming – Superkilen / BIG, Topotek1, Superflex

We were travelling towards CopenHill by BIG but by the time, it was getting dark and it started raining heavily. It was hard to see on the bikes lest to travel on it. I was getting increasingly frustrated and wanted to turn our backs on CopenHill if it took another 2 hours of cycling. I think I almost teared (or a little bit inside) when fel insisted on cycling there. We stopped and parked our bikes at some bike racks and decided to take shelter and rest at the nearest place. 

Little did we know, and we found ourselves at the Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts and coincidentally, the school of architecture. (lucky or fated?) There was a Works + Words Biennale 2019, not sure if we could even view the exhibition but we walked right in and the receptionist gave us the brochure, so we went along with it : ) 

The placement of everything – is everything. 

being nerds, we spent about 2 hrs there reading and admiring all the works in the warmth all in exchange for CopenHill  

– 

We stumbled upon this little kindergarten, and I must say, it is my favourite building in Copen. With its quirky forms, use of colours, materials, cladding, bricks, glass and everything, it brings me so much joy. How adorable that there are the parking lots specifically for the strollers, apparently, did not cater enough for the number of babies and there were illegal parking of strollers everywhere. (could be a fine in sg haha)  
There were even little windows made just for the kids’ height. 
Regrettably, I can’t decide whether to shoot in portrait or landscape. 

And my best photo of the building is blurred 

Aarhus

We were considering whether to rent a car or take the train, and we took the train instead. I forgot how long was the train ride but it was about 6 hrs total for a to and fro, which took up half the day. But it was sooo worth it to see the rainbow panorama (inspiration of my thesis) in real life. 

This was the view from walking towards it from the train station and I got really excited. 

Located at the top of the aarhus museum, it is amazing to convince someone to fund and build this spectacle. 

The name ‘Rainbow Panorama’ is simplicity itself – by Studio Olafur Eliasson who also build the Circle bridge 

Looking outwards in contemplativeness – yellow 

The blue zone 

The world in purple reminds me of Grudges by Paramore. 
‘Strange how we found ourselves exactly where we left off’ 
‘Why did it take us so long to stop holding on’ 
‘We can’t keep holding on to grudges’ 

Other exhibitions – this elephant one felt quite icky, though have been figuring out whether the projections are from projectors (nowhere to be found) or just gigantic tv screens? 

Tricked fel into posing with this – hehehe and told her that it looks damn good from the other side : ‘ )
She may or may not have told me the same words in the photo after …. 

Also experienced some of James Turell’s madness – was incredibly lucky as we did not do enough research and look out for the other exhibits there. (oops) Happiness is really a free gift. 

After the tiring trip to Aarhus, and failing to sleep on the train, we arrived back at our airbnb in Copen. I slept so. much. in the airbnb, and forbid fel to go out to get groceries, cause it was already dark and might be dangerous. She went ahead anyway, sneaking out when I was in deep sleep (!!), and when she came back, I did not notice she left, but noticed the bags of groceries. I was too tired to reprimand her, and continued with my nap, while she prepared some food : ) 

The next day, as per the plan, we wanted to visit Malmo, for IKEA to try their meat balls but we decided to forgo Malmo and went to the National Aquarium Denmark instead : ) (lazyyy) 

The Blue Planet – featuring some sexy curves from 3XN (almost thought it was by Zaha Hadid) 

I spotted a danish Dory fish 

Almost forgot that I had short hair then 

– 
It was always a dream to work in Copenhagen some day but it might be too cold for me. 

– 
Till next time! 
I would definitely reminisce on Iceland and Oslo when the travelling bug bites again : )  

conquering life (one step at a time)

hello there, my old little space.
I thought I’ll pay some attention to you, after reading my fellow bambi’s blog
Lately, I have been reading my old posts and they felt sooo cringe.
I’ve got to accept my present and my embarrassing past as well, unfortunately, i get to reread them here and remember all the good/bad things

I was on leave for 2 days, and had just ended my 3 day stay-cay at mbs.
Left my phone on airplane mode, to let my hair down, to turn myself into a tourist wandering around the place with no worries. In fact, I found out that tranquility can be easily found submerging in a hotter than usual tub. I think everyone should go for onsens more often and find that peace too.

Turns out that there are urgent work matters to reply to, and so I had been working a little here and there on Monday and Tuesday. And, actually I do not mind working, it does help when I am in a peaceful environment, nothing can bother me or upset my day. The thing about leave is that when I am enjoying myself I tend to reflect more, on my current mindset and my well being, and how I can improve that.

For starters, I had just paid for my classes, and for a moment, it felt real. Like I should refocus, concentrate and work hard on it. But it faded just as fast as it reminded me

My current mind is going all over the place, with everything I had on my plate.
And they seem to not interact at all, and is this a good thing?

This is my continuous sequel of fantastic beasts and where to find them (lol), more like multitudinous passions and what to do with them.

Updates on my life at this moment:

1. Fell down (not a bad one)

I used to roller blade quite often, and got pretty scarred by some majorly big falls and tumbled down a ramp. Now I am trying to regain some confidence, but it has been tough.
I know falls are pretty common when it comes to blading, and the start was tough, trying to relearn all my stops and do it perfectly, tried to go through as many man holes and bumps as possible, and that included jumping with skates on someone’s chalk-drawn hopscotch at the basketball court.
I think two weeks ago, was feeling pretty confident and was travelling at full speed down the ramp, but I utilised all different stops, that did not even slow me down. I grabbed the handrails to break my fall, and thankfully, I just got a bruised arm, and I did not tumble.

YES, great job to myself there, knowing that I did not hurt myself, and better yet, did not hurt the oncoming traffic consisting of humans and cyclists hahaha (that would have been a disaster)
So yea, pretty proud of myself there, but wow, I vow to conquer that ramp some day, and that, is a tall order.
And a very longgggg term goal.

2. Hitting it (more frequently)

I have been drumming (since my mum threw away my drum set when I was in uni) and got a shock of my life when it wasnt there anymore. AND I got a new one recently. (hehe)
I felt sooo goddamn rusty. A musical instrument requires practice, and I used to be able to play on demand (lol), like every song, just listen to it for 2 days figuring out the rifts and the basic beats, and go along with it. (okk, not that on demand)
But with anything and everything that I want to balance in my life, I am so busy….
Lol so prolly just gonna prac with my sticks on my pillow, and tune it frequently. I don’t want any complains from my neighbours so am going to strategically only play it after work hours between 630pm – 8pm, and get back to work.

I have to say that the timing of this purchase was impeccable, when I just got the new set, bambi II got herself new keys?!?!?!

T e l e p a t h i c or what

Hahahaha.
Ok well, thats all for today

Hope my future self is proud of these small tumbles and tribulations.

colourblind

slow down
i know you wanna understand
so i’ll explain the best I can, what this pain feels like

its hard
cause even though as I’m sitting here
I would rather disappear than face the world outside

I’m floating in a fallen sky
I’m okay, well, maybe not
(Here it comes again)

/mokita

clean

The drought was the very worst
When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst
It was months and months of back and forth
You're still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore

Hung my head as I lost the war
and the sky turned black like a perfect storm

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And by morning gone was any trace of you,
I think I am finally clean

in the flux of the calm and ruffled

thoughts at 1.36am
–

there must be a few memorable moments in life where we feel like we’re not good enough and the feeling never really fades out
we start to reflect on our past mistakes, and are unable to forgive ourselves for those tiny little mistakes, to a point where it starts to take a toll on our mental health

using ‘we’ but actually, im talking about myself hahahah
sometimes, i am still my own worst nightmare
to what extent, will we feel contented or satisfied with whatever we have in our lives/
this is the question that have been haunting and also, pretty much used as a drive or motivation for us to strive for the best
i wonder if i could just be happy with who i am, and what i am. (mistakes included + personality flaws + my undesirables)
do i really need to listen to other people’s judgements and thoughts?
in what way is this even helpful?

i guess we gotta learn how to love ourselves.
it is really (though it is REALLY easy to say it out), so hard to realise….

step 1: being completely fine with making mistakes, without repeating them
step 2: get over it, forgive myself for those mistakes, as nobody is perfect (love myself, this bitch is flawless and amazing, and im that bitch)
step 3: repeat them somehow (…..)
step 4: beat myself up for repeating them (did i NOT learn anything from my past?!?!?!?)
*descends to the familiar deep dark hole*

it just doesn’t have a simplistic manner of resolving issues
the chain of communication to my brain is left confuzzled and we turn to numb certain feelings

its much more complex than that.

Archi made me a little more forgiving and im quite grateful for that  : )
The little perfectionist in me is screaming while learning how to let things go, a little better, with a little more practice.

These nonsensical late night thoughts never hurt anybody but myself HAHAHA
pretty much, my whole life i have been existing in this unpredictability but staying consistent in my values

i m awfully secure but unstable at the same time

and i think i m okay with it : )

snippets of iceland

these are little snippets caught in my iceland road trip w T
some vids were shaky hehehe coz i trusted my hands more than the vimble…

–

at the end of the day
we were helpless
can you keep me close?
can you love me most?