W

a bag of bare bones

530AM

how long must I wait
 or how long can I last?
 stay strong, they say
 but I am not enough and never enough

In my bed, with the lights dimmed
 my heart and hands, cold
 how can I sleep when my mind is in turmoil
 my brain refuses to stop working
 /
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L

when escape is my constant,
reality becomes blurred and hazy
when the shield fades momentarily,
It hits me straight in the gut
before I even realize it
today, it felt like
my feelings were redundant
my devotion, unnecessary
my love, preposterous
And my existence, irrelevant.

anthem

 

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you

 /

 

Oh damn.

Clubbing is really great when all things add up; the atmosphere, the right amt of buzz, the music, and the company. It was REALLLY GR8 ytd w m, s, f and di. (lol)

It was kinda funny when m asked if I wanted to go and said s is coming and also di. I took awhile to reply m cos I was like thinking for so long if I could handle this, and maybe, just maybe I can???? After doubting myself, I started to question m’s loyalty of why she chose to ask her before me?? 😥 But ALLS WELL when I found out that it was another di :’) Hehe and she’s so funny. She seemed a lil down tho :/ Hope you’re fine 🙂

Somehow with this bunch, it is really a different kind of experience. A real and genuine one, nobody was there to tell us what to do and what not. No judgements flying around and there’s nth to worry about. This is really the one night where we can all let loose. There’s really nth much I can ask for but only for these nights to never end, and these friendships to last 💗

/my hands were bloody when I woke up?! Prolly cos I held on to that bloody fake hand HAHA

Spies Girls

In my dream, mean girls were on a mission at the beach.
(cue james bond soundtrack)
Mean girls, including me, mel, mar, abi and chai were all spies. (kinda like a bigger group of less attractive totally spies without gadgets HEHE)

SCENE 1 – The Mission

The day started as five of us were in the car, and mar was driving us to the beach. It was a red convertible car with an open hood and we were having the time of our lives. On the way, we found an abandoned spy car which led us to finding our way into a restaurant. We sat at a table for 5, and were having fun; laughing and making a lot of noise (as usual) There, we received a message, a little white paper note was passed to us by the waitress, instructing us of our mission of the day, and it wrote, ‘Two spies missing, find them.’ We knew that two of our company spies have failed, and might alr have compromised their identity, hence it was crucial that we find them fast. But to lessen the suspicion, we continued to laugh and have fun while I ordered 2 more cocktails in the mean time. (LOL) It was like we have done this before and very naturally, we split ourselves into two groups, me and mar, and mel chai abi, and in the dream, it felt strangely familiar. So the three girls were to stay put and provide backup while me and mar went off with the car to find the two missing spies. (Somehow we knew they were in another restaurant, which is restaurant 2)

SCENE 2 – Telepathy

We parked the cars right outside, climbed up the staircase of restaurant 2 and was greeted by a grand entrance. We felt that the atmosphere was pretty weird and unexplainable, but it was a very luxurious restaurant. While we waited for our seats, at the side of my eye, I saw one of our spies in the kitchen, she was being tied up with ropes and her mouth was taped with black tape and was kneeling on the floor. Signalling to mar, she ran towards the kitchen and she hid there. She popped her head over the counter of the kitchen and gave me an eye contact to confirm the missing spy but the other spy is still missing.

The spy told her (and I could hear from afar) that he was in danger as the chef was going to put him into the pizza kiln at the back of this restaurant. Mar ran  back to my side and nobody could tell that she moved. I guess her superpowers was to run damn quickly till she’s invisible. LOL. As the waitress came back to serve us to our seats, we walked in and mar was pretending to search for the toilet, but saw no signs of the guy. Suddenly, (with my powerful hearing abilities), I heard a man at the back of the restaurant, and knew his location and it was in this secret room with the door camouflaged as the wall. As we charged towards the door, and entered the room, the chef saw us! The two spies were missioned to steal the chef’s secret recipe, which was a secret document for the government?!?! They did not get to the document but were about to be put in the kiln! We fought the chef and managed to release the other spies. We pointed to the direction where their car would be placed and they could make their escape. Magically, the trio, mel, chai and abi, placed the car there, and we kinda had this telepathy that we knew it was there. LOL and the spies escaped 🙂

SCENE 3 – Boom boom pow LOL

Me and mar ran out of the restaurant and ran down the steps as fast as we could, and I can feel that my legs were aching as hell. (might be cos of darts the day before lol) And we jumped into our convertible and swiftly moved off to somewhere else. We wanted to drive back to the first restaurant but felt that it was too risky. The time period was set in the olden days, prolly 90s where where we could not text, and phones were the big ass ones. I tried to call them but we couldn’t get hold of them and decided to drive back to r1. When we arrived, we found out that the three of them were already there! They actually took the old car, and drove to the telepathic escape location, and they made it back before me and mar could. We were so excited and thought that the mission is over and all we wanted was to swim and relax at the beach. I guess this was why we came to the beach in the first place, but was delayed by some mission ugh. Haha. Mel then showed us some coupons that she had and took it out, and we all realised it’s useless and for the baby playing pool lol (random moments like this adds to the realness of the dream haha)

While we were all celebrating, abi saw one suspicious guy around, and turns out that three of the chefs came after us, and they have guns!! Chai quickly ran out to tackle with one guy (WEW), while mel ran towards the other one.(WEWEW) It’s confirmed that chai and mel had some beating powers LOL While the girls fought with the two chefs, three of us quickly ran towards the beach to safer grounds. What we did not expect was that the third chef did not chase after us, but stood at the side of the restaurant and he actually THREW A GRENADE at the restaurant. LOL.

The scene ended with all five girls walking out of the exploding restaurant in the background like a baywatch/ charlie angels finale!!!! Smiling and laughing as we all exited the restaurant.
All in all, it was a successful mission.

I woke up.
HAHA
Hope we all went to swim. 🙂 

/jotted down this dream on my phone when I woke up and I finally wrote abt it

I wrote this in Korea

It’s 1.42AM now and I’m struggling to fall asleep. The best way to spend my time is to blog and write nonsense in my blog 🙂

Just spoke to T and T is havin headaches, so T went to bed first 🙂 Miss her so much ❤

I bought many clothes from Korea and some of them don’t fit as nicely, and I really wonder if it’s me or the clothes???

Which makes me ponder on how people (aka just me) would think in order to fit into society ideals, or societal norms, they would doubt theirselves and indulge in drastic and unhealthy methods to fit in :/ Am I going to send all my clothes to the tailor and spend a bunch of unnecessary money :/ Am I gonna change myself for this? Am I gonna be forever this size SIGH

I mean I don’t think it’s my fault? But honestly, technically, physically and LITERALLY it is. Lol. Dk what arguments I’m forming but yea hahaha.

I mean everybody knows that Instagram is fake. But I still sometimes want to believe that there are people in this world who are optimistic and self-loving; they truly believe in who they are and what they wanna become! But sometimes it’s still hard to not be upset at yourself at wanting their lives or even get upset at admiring their nicely curated Instagram profiles… I mean, I know life’s not perfect, but l o l life’s always gonna be like this I guess, no matter what, people will not be satisfied and me too, HAHAHAHA part of me want to curate my insta to become this archi / cereal mag Instagram, but part of me still wants to be me, stay messy and real.

#realtalk

Oh well, I guess in this trip, I want to not squeeze into something that doesn’t fit, but try to stay positive and be happy with who I am zzzz (sounds sooo childish but it is really impt hahaha) and try that Isaac sandwich T has been raving about 🙂

For starters, here’s an unfiltered and unedited photo:

you make me sooo confused

thoughts

SO MANY TIMES I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,
“It is not my duty to meddle with their problems.”

SO MANY TIMES.

Isn’t it my duty as a friend to protect my own friends?
You lived out your fantasies, and now, what’s left are remnants of your play toys, used and hurt. You know what you did and you know karma’s coming your way.

sophy

This is beginning to be my new name as people started calling me sophy (cause they are creative and thought sophy in whilosophy was my name) and I’d respond too 🙃

J

ah ha. Did I predict it correctly??? Was it my bad karma??? HAHAHA fuck. It turns out to be a fleeting moment. A few weeks ago, I was feeling pretty upset as I thought something real was blossoming. Friendship of course. And a truly platonic one. 🙂 The word platonic srsly reminds me of how T couldn’t stop listening to her philosophical podcasts, and explaining to me that a platonic love, is at the fourth and highest level of level, and also, the hardest to attain. And all I can think of is whether this is true? Is it so hard to be platonic? The thing is – I kinda get it too. I am a femme and things were bound to get hard. But if things were different, if I wasn’t a femme, would anything change? If butches and butches can be friends, while (damn it) femmes and butches can’t? In this progressive world that we all hoped for, we, inevitably (or not), are still stucked in our very conservative roles that we are supposed to have. In a heterosexual relationship, where the boy couldn’t let the girl talk to other boys and vice versa. Lol is this something that I couldn’t change??? Perhaps, this is the next level of zero judgement and of openness and acceptance. SIGH :/

Told T I was feeling sad today and she didn’t immediately thought that I was cheating, but said, ‘Awww, I’ll be sad too’ Her answer really kinda gave me a shock LOL I was expecting something along the lines of jealousy like, (how come you’re sad when she doesn’t reply you!!!) HAHAHA. But I did not get that reaction, instead I got a pretty understanding one 🙂 Something that I could get out of this, was that T is actually pretty progressive to let me do this (lol) T understands that if I could make friends in a very platonic sense, she’ll let me do it. That’s some high level of love and trust right there HEHEHE.

Till our paths cross again. – Ting