W

a bag of bare bones

I wrote this in Korea

It’s 1.42AM now and I’m struggling to fall asleep. The best way to spend my time is to blog and write nonsense in my blog 🙂

Just spoke to T and T is havin headaches, so T went to bed first 🙂 Miss her so much ❤

I bought many clothes from Korea and some of them don’t fit as nicely, and I really wonder if it’s me or the clothes???

Which makes me ponder on how people (aka just me) would think in order to fit into society ideals, or societal norms, they would doubt theirselves and indulge in drastic and unhealthy methods to fit in :/ Am I going to send all my clothes to the tailor and spend a bunch of unnecessary money :/ Am I gonna change myself for this? Am I gonna be forever this size SIGH

I mean I don’t think it’s my fault? But honestly, technically, physically and LITERALLY it is. Lol. Dk what arguments I’m forming but yea hahaha.

I mean everybody knows that Instagram is fake. But I still sometimes want to believe that there are people in this world who are optimistic and self-loving; they truly believe in who they are and what they wanna become! But sometimes it’s still hard to not be upset at yourself at wanting their lives or even get upset at admiring their nicely curated Instagram profiles… I mean, I know life’s not perfect, but l o l life’s always gonna be like this I guess, no matter what, people will not be satisfied and me too, HAHAHAHA part of me want to curate my insta to become this archi / cereal mag Instagram, but part of me still wants to be me, stay messy and real.

#realtalk

Oh well, I guess in this trip, I want to not squeeze into something that doesn’t fit, but try to stay positive and be happy with who I am zzzz (sounds sooo childish but it is really impt hahaha) and try that Isaac sandwich T has been raving about 🙂

For starters, here’s an unfiltered and unedited photo:

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you make me sooo confused

thoughts

SO MANY TIMES I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,
“It is not my duty to meddle with their problems.”

SO MANY TIMES.

Isn’t it my duty as a friend to protect my own friends?
You lived out your fantasies, and now, what’s left are remnants of your play toys, used and hurt. You know what you did and you know karma’s coming your way.

sophy

This is beginning to be my new name as people started calling me sophy (cause they are creative and thought sophy in whilosophy was my name) and I’d respond too 🙃

J

ah ha. Did I predict it correctly??? Was it my bad karma??? HAHAHA fuck. It turns out to be a fleeting moment. A few weeks ago, I was feeling pretty upset as I thought something real was blossoming. Friendship of course. And a truly platonic one. 🙂 The word platonic srsly reminds me of how T couldn’t stop listening to her philosophical podcasts, and explaining to me that a platonic love, is at the fourth and highest level of level, and also, the hardest to attain. And all I can think of is whether this is true? Is it so hard to be platonic? The thing is – I kinda get it too. I am a femme and things were bound to get hard. But if things were different, if I wasn’t a femme, would anything change? If butches and butches can be friends, while (damn it) femmes and butches can’t? In this progressive world that we all hoped for, we, inevitably (or not), are still stucked in our very conservative roles that we are supposed to have. In a heterosexual relationship, where the boy couldn’t let the girl talk to other boys and vice versa. Lol is this something that I couldn’t change??? Perhaps, this is the next level of zero judgement and of openness and acceptance. SIGH :/

Told T I was feeling sad today and she didn’t immediately thought that I was cheating, but said, ‘Awww, I’ll be sad too’ Her answer really kinda gave me a shock LOL I was expecting something along the lines of jealousy like, (how come you’re sad when she doesn’t reply you!!!) HAHAHA. But I did not get that reaction, instead I got a pretty understanding one 🙂 Something that I could get out of this, was that T is actually pretty progressive to let me do this (lol) T understands that if I could make friends in a very platonic sense, she’ll let me do it. That’s some high level of love and trust right there HEHEHE.

Till our paths cross again. – Ting

Journey

ahhhh, feels good to be blogging again. Without anyone knowing this URL, I feel safe; it’s like my happy place. I did not realised how much I did not care about my grades till just now, when I did not even want to check it. I remember saying to m, ‘I just wanna pass’ and holy shit, I did it. The prize of this journey wasn’t great? But the journey itself, had me reflecting on myself, and on my life in general. No, I do not miss you anymore, I am so relieved; being not able to see you for long periods in my life, is the final healing that I need. Badly hurt or not, whether who’s to blame, it does not matter anymore, everyone has a part to play in this mess and toxicity, and I just want away. I hope it’s not too selfish to ask for. These few weeks I finally did not think of you one single bit, it seemed like freedom, something that I couldn’t attain when I see you everyday in school. It is reinvigorating and refreshing, to know that the past does not haunt me anymore; I felt free.

I did not expect how hard this journey would be as I sucked at writing essays and even more so, a poetic and psychologically based one? But I know my concerns with the humans lies in this, and it has been worth my hard work. I tried and whether it will work or not, at least I tried. T has been a great support throughout the entire journey, couldn’t have done it without T. It kinda is no longer a secret but it sure is one that is still sacred and kept deep down. I’m still scared of being found out and what about the judgements? The unreceptiveness, the unapologetic and disapproving glares; I see it all but it will never bring me down. (It is much easier to say this but ultimately, it has and obviously affected me) With you not joining the wedding, it felt like a huge blow to my system; a punch to my stomach. Even Kru would say that this is too harsh. I felt queasy; I cried during the wedding. Why weren’t you invited? Even when invited, fears came in and I wasn’t strong enough for you, for the both of us, to let it happen. Surprisingly, It did not affect you. (Maybe you’re being strong for the both of us) But it has really affected me and even now I still feel strong feelings about that day. It was unfair and unjust. I felt mistreated, like a second citizen; like a puppy who lost its home; like a stranger in my own house. All I feel is loneliness and pain. S hugged and comforted me. She told me how she understood how I felt and felt that in the same situation, she would feel the same, and I really needed that, but what more can I do?? How long can I wait? What must I ultimately give up? It actually made me wish so much for a normal heterosexual relationship. I wanted to be ‘normal’. I yearn to be one as it made me feel like a monster with a disease that could not be cured; condemned for the rest of my life. Then again, I felt like I AM normal, I am doing what I like and whom I love. Why does the world care so much? Or why do I even get affected by all these judgements. The feelings are so complex, anger, disappointment and shamed, and I cannot handle these all together.

Am I really, really that revolting and appalling?

I ran away. Faraway that night. To the arms of my makeshift safe place, and cried all night. Nobody knew or cared, cause I don’t need all that at that moment, all I needed was the world to shut it. It was chaos in my mind and coldness in my heart. That raw form of bitterness could not be explained through anything; it was actually more painful than a heart ache.

Part two is coming because it’s too painful to write for now.

J

It still feels kinda surreal. You’re a friend that reminded me of my long lost friend? But I don’t know how to exactly explain the feeling. I feel like I can trust you; I can pour my heart and soul out without you judging me, but at the same time, vulnerable; insecure of what you will think? Are friendships like this supposed to last? Or is it just a temporary and fleeting one? Only time will tell they say. You didn’t remind me of anyone in my life, isn’t it weird? Someone completely out of my social circle, I feel weirded out but also excited? All these feelings are all too confusing. I had once a platonic friendship that grew apart and I don’t know where these insecurities came from, but I’m afraid I’ll lose it all again, maybe it’s cause I’ve lost it once before.

But today was good.

Chill 🙂

xx

I heard your voice today. It has been such a long time since I heard your voice. I could recognize it immediately and I refuse to let my head up. Was it fear? Or was it a different kind of feeling that I’m unable to comprehend?

I always wished things would be different (believe it or not) but I felt that the hurt we experienced could help us grow, to be better individuals; better lovers. And I hope it did work.

When we graduate, you’ll be the only one I’ll be thinking about. What if you decide to go somewhere far? What if I won’t get to hear from you ever? What if I said today I wanted to text you but I didn’t have the courage?

It is scary.

I opened myself up to you in ways that I can’t even open up to myself. I always felt that some part of me lies with you and it is a part of me that I could never get it back, but I don’t want it back either. I want you to keep a part of me, where ever you go.

After all, you’re my first true love.
I’ll never forget you.

I saw your head turned today, maybe we were too noisy, maybe we were disturbing you, but I tried my best not to look up too, avoiding any accidental gazes for reasons that I don’t know of, all I know is, honestly, idk why

I think I missed you today.

one five seven part III

is this a sequel???!
Every time I feel like writing this post about T, I’ll pause and hesitate a little… Idk why, but its kinda stressful, knowing that I have described things in much detail the last two post and I felt obliged to do the same for this… hehehe 🙂

so here goesssss
Whenever L asks about it, I would tell her, oh yea, me and T have been tgt for quite long now I guess? But it feels like a mere 6 mths or so 🙂 I have no idea why, but truthfully (from the bottom of my heart) hahahaha, I have not felt that it was boring to meet with T; It might have been a hassle here and there but never boring 🙂
There was never one day that I wouldn’t not want to meet T. Times with T was precious because T is working and I am writing my thesis, and this makes it impossible to meet regularly 😦
I guess another important part of this prolly lies in how we feel that this bond we have is precious and kinda unrecognised??? 😦 I feel that there is a duty to protect this beautiful thing that we have here 🙂
The thing is, whether we are open or not, or that we seemed really open abt it on social media does not take the problem away; in reality, it is a lot more different than what is presented and perceived. These norms in the society would never go away, especially with the older generations, and forcing these ideals upon them is also quite unfair. Imagine having your whole life thinking a certain way, and because of some selfish reasons of mine, they have to suddenly accept this whole new concept. On my side, of course, I am seeking for their acceptance and blessings, but in my family’s rigid structure imbued with traditional and conservative values, it would be so GOD DAMN hard for them to even understand it, lest to accept.
And this would be the most that I could ask for – their understanding.

This comes to an essential part of this secret life of mine,
H  I  D  I  N  G
hehehehhehe
It is prolly the most annoying and painful process I have been going through /CRIES 😦
It is easy to seem all fine but social media can definitely tell all sorts of lies.
What is the most annoying part is the inability to share with your loved ones about this, inability to join into family gatherings, and the fear of being found out and thus, making sure that every single step taken is calculated and well-hidden.
I am not tired of this r/s, however, I feel some of the things can really descend into an unhealthy downward spiral of depression and it can get soo tiring.

1       I am just that friend

I go by the name S.
S visits T’s house often, and is always seen hanging around T. S could not tell the truth about some of the things pertaining to whatever that could hint at or suggest that they were together. Looks like S might be into T??? but is seen as a very very good friend of T; she doesn’t get the rights to go out on dates with T, or to even meet T’s parents in her real status of a gf. It would seem really weird that S is staying over so often, and have doubts on whether S has a real job or not? When S buys some presents from overseas for T’s family, it would be deemed as ‘Oh, yeah, that friend again.’
I don’t wanna be S; I want to be me. 😥

After many multiple excuses and white lies, there seemed to be an never-ending need to cover up the previous lies with some more lies and this cycle goes on and on. I have another identity and it honestly, sucks.
People might ask why can’t I be myself? Oh, this it want I wanted, but things just don’t go that way with questions that question my existence.
The world just doesnt go round sometimes.

2      Jealousy

hahahahahaha, jealousy.
hmmmm when T’s bro’s gf a, can come right into the house without announcing, without hiding, her shoes can be put outside, while mine would be taken up to hide. 😦 How she can go for breakfast with them, while I hid somewhere, fearful of every little thing that could jeopardise my position and they would find out etc etc etc. Things like that. lol. I don’t hate A, she’s actually a really sweeeeet girl 💗
It’s just that unfairness of how things could have been so easy, if it was different, or if we were deemed as normal. Sometimes I wonder if I want to live my life like this 😥 The fight for love and equality just doesn’t make anything better if our parents are conservative? (which is almost most of Sg parents)
I get so jealous sometimes and I’ll just be in tears, and when T asked me what happen? I’ll just say, I’m so tired.
T will always say, Wait for a few years more. (and I can’t wait <3)
I often have nightmares here and there, all on the same theme of being found out. I feel like a spy in the movie, where every move has to be calculated and be concise. When things go wrongly, it is a step closer to them finding out and i’ll be killed in the movie … and it just kinda sucky?

Looking at the bright side, this little espionage that I am taking part in everyday is kinda exciting. I rmb how i used to tell s abt the process and how afraid I was to be hiding here and there, and how little noises I make could be exaggerated, and how I try to cover my tracks… She finds it all too amusing and exciting hahaha. With all the pain and annoyance, this little hideout could be truly called yours and mine.
It is my escape and your refuge.


hehehehehe
In other newssssss,
We do fight A L O T (lol)
Now with my new hair, she calls me fighting fish for my stubborn and fiery personality, I will bite you, if you step on me hahaha
Although, sometimes, I feel like I could be less emotional to deal with certain situations hehe but I am still throwing tantrums here and there (oops)
Recently s asked me if T have became fatter (lololol) and the answer is Yes (lol), I have been feeding T well 🙂 and also, gives her my leftover food since I do not eat much hehe

TBC

its my birthday heh

yuppppp this date
eighth of may

it gets to me when I am twenty-something, I feel soo god damn old
Lol
For me, I never kinda? acted like my age, I am still quite childish hehhhhhehehehe
still love the presents and surprises and meet up with friendsss
wish these would never end
I mean birthdays are not a big ass thing or a really really compulsory thing to celebrate but I would love to celebrate it with my loved ones cause it means so much to me except for my fam hehe

I guess I am still the kind of girl who wants her birthday to be remembered, I’d still prefer heartfelt text messages more than anything else hehe


Honestly life isn’t that perfect and I’d still feel sad for friends that I have lost throughout my life; some choices were inevitable, some regretful, and some necessary.
When I think of my future or my thesis its really DEATH. haha
(just have to tell myself constantly to NOT think about it ughughughgughgug)

On this special (or not so special) day, I would like to make some wishes/hopes/dreams/resolutions for the future:
urrhummm!
I will gladly accept all that life has to offer and hope that I’ll make a beautiful life out of it 🙂 Holding on to certain things in life would not do me good, and I will tryyyyy my best to let them go (lol, says the stubborn me)
And, I might not want to have kids in the future, maybe i’ll choose to adopt children
Most imptly, I wish I could try to make the world a safer place for women.
I mean I am not sure how, maybe architecturally would be to create safe-homes for women in those unstable countries and those vulnerable to sexual violence, coercion and abuse 😦 Or maybe even in Singapore.

And hopefully, I’ll be a good architect and an ethical one in the future 🙂
woohhoooo
love hate relationship with archi tho

back to my bday 🙂 🙂

f celebrated like twice for me alrr hahahahaha
idk why, is it cause I made her feel like its a big thing??
Such that f feel obliged? but i am alr so blessed to have f in my life
I don’t need these things hehehehe
but still going out for the 3rd celebration today HEHEHEHEHEHE
Love you, f.
Holding your hands makes me feel invincible and gives me strength to be ready for any challenges ahead ❤

IMG_2709.JPG

yay, happy birthday to me!