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a bag of bare bones

Month: May, 2017

one five seven part III

is this a sequel???!
Every time I feel like writing this post about T, I’ll pause and hesitate a little… Idk why, but its kinda stressful, knowing that I have described things in much detail the last two post and I felt obliged to do the same for this… hehehe 🙂

so here goesssss
Whenever L asks about it, I would tell her, oh yea, me and T have been tgt for quite long now I guess? But it feels like a mere 6 mths or so 🙂 I have no idea why, but truthfully (from the bottom of my heart) hahahaha, I have not felt that it was boring to meet with T; It might have been a hassle here and there but never boring 🙂
There was never one day that I wouldn’t not want to meet T. Times with T was precious because T is working and I am writing my thesis, and this makes it impossible to meet regularly 😦
I guess another important part of this prolly lies in how we feel that this bond we have is precious and kinda unrecognised??? 😦 I feel that there is a duty to protect this beautiful thing that we have here 🙂
The thing is, whether we are open or not, or that we seemed really open abt it on social media does not take the problem away; in reality, it is a lot more different than what is presented and perceived. These norms in the society would never go away, especially with the older generations, and forcing these ideals upon them is also quite unfair. Imagine having your whole life thinking a certain way, and because of some selfish reasons of mine, they have to suddenly accept this whole new concept. On my side, of course, I am seeking for their acceptance and blessings, but in my family’s rigid structure imbued with traditional and conservative values, it would be so GOD DAMN hard for them to even understand it, lest to accept.
And this would be the most that I could ask for – their understanding.

This comes to an essential part of this secret life of mine,
H  I  D  I  N  G
hehehehhehe
It is prolly the most annoying and painful process I have been going through /CRIES 😦
It is easy to seem all fine but social media can definitely tell all sorts of lies.
What is the most annoying part is the inability to share with your loved ones about this, inability to join into family gatherings, and the fear of being found out and thus, making sure that every single step taken is calculated and well-hidden.
I am not tired of this r/s, however, I feel some of the things can really descend into an unhealthy downward spiral of depression and it can get soo tiring.

1       I am just that friend

I go by the name S.
S visits T’s house often, and is always seen hanging around T. S could not tell the truth about some of the things pertaining to whatever that could hint at or suggest that they were together. Looks like S might be into T??? but is seen as a very very good friend of T; she doesn’t get the rights to go out on dates with T, or to even meet T’s parents in her real status of a gf. It would seem really weird that S is staying over so often, and have doubts on whether S has a real job or not? When S buys some presents from overseas for T’s family, it would be deemed as ‘Oh, yeah, that friend again.’
I don’t wanna be S; I want to be me. 😥

After many multiple excuses and white lies, there seemed to be an never-ending need to cover up the previous lies with some more lies and this cycle goes on and on. I have another identity and it honestly, sucks.
People might ask why can’t I be myself? Oh, this it want I wanted, but things just don’t go that way with questions that question my existence.
The world just doesnt go round sometimes.

2      Jealousy

hahahahahaha, jealousy.
hmmmm when T’s bro’s gf a, can come right into the house without announcing, without hiding, her shoes can be put outside, while mine would be taken up to hide. 😦 How she can go for breakfast with them, while I hid somewhere, fearful of every little thing that could jeopardise my position and they would find out etc etc etc. Things like that. lol. I don’t hate A, she’s actually a really sweeeeet girl 💗
It’s just that unfairness of how things could have been so easy, if it was different, or if we were deemed as normal. Sometimes I wonder if I want to live my life like this 😥 The fight for love and equality just doesn’t make anything better if our parents are conservative? (which is almost most of Sg parents)
I get so jealous sometimes and I’ll just be in tears, and when T asked me what happen? I’ll just say, I’m so tired.
T will always say, Wait for a few years more. (and I can’t wait <3)
I often have nightmares here and there, all on the same theme of being found out. I feel like a spy in the movie, where every move has to be calculated and be concise. When things go wrongly, it is a step closer to them finding out and i’ll be killed in the movie … and it just kinda sucky?

Looking at the bright side, this little espionage that I am taking part in everyday is kinda exciting. I rmb how i used to tell s abt the process and how afraid I was to be hiding here and there, and how little noises I make could be exaggerated, and how I try to cover my tracks… She finds it all too amusing and exciting hahaha. With all the pain and annoyance, this little hideout could be truly called yours and mine.
It is my escape and your refuge.


hehehehehe
In other newssssss,
We do fight A L O T (lol)
Now with my new hair, she calls me fighting fish for my stubborn and fiery personality, I will bite you, if you step on me hahaha
Although, sometimes, I feel like I could be less emotional to deal with certain situations hehe but I am still throwing tantrums here and there (oops)
Recently s asked me if T have became fatter (lololol) and the answer is Yes (lol), I have been feeding T well 🙂 and also, gives her my leftover food since I do not eat much hehe

TBC

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its my birthday heh

yuppppp this date
eighth of may

it gets to me when I am twenty-something, I feel soo god damn old
Lol
For me, I never kinda? acted like my age, I am still quite childish hehhhhhehehehe
still love the presents and surprises and meet up with friendsss
wish these would never end
I mean birthdays are not a big ass thing or a really really compulsory thing to celebrate but I would love to celebrate it with my loved ones cause it means so much to me except for my fam hehe

I guess I am still the kind of girl who wants her birthday to be remembered, I’d still prefer heartfelt text messages more than anything else hehe


Honestly life isn’t that perfect and I’d still feel sad for friends that I have lost throughout my life; some choices were inevitable, some regretful, and some necessary.
When I think of my future or my thesis its really DEATH. haha
(just have to tell myself constantly to NOT think about it ughughughgughgug)

On this special (or not so special) day, I would like to make some wishes/hopes/dreams/resolutions for the future:
urrhummm!
I will gladly accept all that life has to offer and hope that I’ll make a beautiful life out of it 🙂 Holding on to certain things in life would not do me good, and I will tryyyyy my best to let them go (lol, says the stubborn me)
And, I might not want to have kids in the future, maybe i’ll choose to adopt children
Most imptly, I wish I could try to make the world a safer place for women.
I mean I am not sure how, maybe architecturally would be to create safe-homes for women in those unstable countries and those vulnerable to sexual violence, coercion and abuse 😦 Or maybe even in Singapore.

And hopefully, I’ll be a good architect and an ethical one in the future 🙂
woohhoooo
love hate relationship with archi tho

back to my bday 🙂 🙂

f celebrated like twice for me alrr hahahahaha
idk why, is it cause I made her feel like its a big thing??
Such that f feel obliged? but i am alr so blessed to have f in my life
I don’t need these things hehehehe
but still going out for the 3rd celebration today HEHEHEHEHEHE
Love you, f.
Holding your hands makes me feel invincible and gives me strength to be ready for any challenges ahead ❤

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yay, happy birthday to me!