clean

The drought was the very worst
When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst
It was months and months of back and forth
You're still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore

Hung my head as I lost the war
and the sky turned black like a perfect storm

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And by morning gone was any trace of you,
I think I am finally clean

in the flux of the calm and ruffled

thoughts at 1.36am
–

there must be a few memorable moments in life where we feel like we’re not good enough and the feeling never really fades out
we start to reflect on our past mistakes, and are unable to forgive ourselves for those tiny little mistakes, to a point where it starts to take a toll on our mental health

using ‘we’ but actually, im talking about myself hahahah
sometimes, i am still my own worst nightmare
to what extent, will we feel contented or satisfied with whatever we have in our lives/
this is the question that have been haunting and also, pretty much used as a drive or motivation for us to strive for the best
i wonder if i could just be happy with who i am, and what i am. (mistakes included + personality flaws + my undesirables)
do i really need to listen to other people’s judgements and thoughts?
in what way is this even helpful?

i guess we gotta learn how to love ourselves.
it is really (though it is REALLY easy to say it out), so hard to realise….

step 1: being completely fine with making mistakes, without repeating them
step 2: get over it, forgive myself for those mistakes, as nobody is perfect (love myself, this bitch is flawless and amazing, and im that bitch)
step 3: repeat them somehow (…..)
step 4: beat myself up for repeating them (did i NOT learn anything from my past?!?!?!?)
*descends to the familiar deep dark hole*

it just doesn’t have a simplistic manner of resolving issues
the chain of communication to my brain is left confuzzled and we turn to numb certain feelings

its much more complex than that.

Archi made me a little more forgiving and im quite grateful for that  : )
The little perfectionist in me is screaming while learning how to let things go, a little better, with a little more practice.

These nonsensical late night thoughts never hurt anybody but myself HAHAHA
pretty much, my whole life i have been existing in this unpredictability but staying consistent in my values

i m awfully secure but unstable at the same time

and i think i m okay with it : )