d,

“We were meant to be, supposed to be but we lost it.”

I saw you today
And…. almost every other day. I wish I could tell myself that you don’t matter to me anymore, why the fuck am I even thinking or like how my friends said, omg, just STOP thinking about it, and just hate her or smth to make yourself feel better.
But, I cant.

You have been such a big part of my life; I almost feel like if you were gone, I might be a little lost in life??? It is that kind of feeling, (it may or may not be true?) who knows? but it felt like that still. Hmmm the hatred is gone (yayyyyy i love it) I dontttttttt ever hate someone unless you step on my tail and crushed it and make it into a ice-blended drink and sell it at starbucks at a venti price. If not, ill be usually nice heheeheheh. It seems so long ago, I’ve almost forgotten how it felt like? But I still rmb clearly how it used to be, how you made me feel for the first time in my life (heh) It was memorable and pleasantly nice to reminisce 🙂 It would never go away, no matter how much I wanted it gone last time.
Deal with it.  <—– my motto for 2017 hehe
It is almost working…. (almost).

There’s so many questions that I wanna ask, at this point in time, theres no explanation needed for both sides. I just want to say (i kinda miss you) in a ex kinda way, in that platonic kind of way; we used to be best friends! And we shared everything….. but we gone a little too far hehhhhhhhhh. In an alternate universe, it would be great if things could go back in order (for a little while), to those times when we were still best friends and having so much fun. If only…..

miss you tho

 

much thoughts tonight
lol 

 

today’s a little special

I was going down memory lane a few days ago, and I thought how strong and capable I was (to myself) to be able to go through such terrible terrible incidents (perverts are SHIT), and yet make it through this far. The anxiety, the stresses and the insecurities, they led me here, one way or another, but how did I come so far?  To see myself in the mirror and see this woman standing in front of myself, I was kinda shocked about what I’ve become (tbh) You know that feeling when I stood in front of the mirror and you see how much you’ve changed, and were shocked??! lol, i still find it a tad creepy and confusing.

In the past, I was my own perfect little satanic devil of my body.
Brewing on my insides were hate, self doubt, lack of self-esteem and a depressed soul but the most toxic, was hatred. I was able to hurt myself mentally and physically, it almost felt like while I had control over my whole self, I did not either. It felt contradicting and oddly, satisfying. I felt like I had so much power, when in fact, I was powerless over my mind and my body. (I always wanted to be a psychologist/psychiatrist(??), but felt like if I were to help people, I had to listen to their stories, and I would be too emotionally driven and could not make an accurate diagnosis lol but when I had one, I hated her to the core, what a love-hate relationship I had w my psych lol) It was one big hurdle that Ive got to cross, and until today, I do not know whether it is truly over yet. These bouts of unhappiness comes and go, and you’ll never know when it’ll hit you again.

vague vague vague vague vague

teehee being so vague in what I’m talking about gives me some pleasure (lol), cos if I were to write what happened, I might not be able to read it myself hehehehe but I believe that everybody at that point in time would have some kind of experience (or not) Be it bullying, depression, micro-aggression, harassment, loss or failures that are hard to deal with. Hurt humans are everywhereeeeeeeee. And listening to evil people (lol) everyday, talking about how people should be, how they are too slutty, too smart, too cocky or how judgemental people are, made me realised that the world is actually just like that. We just have to deal with that. Grow with the criticisms and learn how to overcome that, so that we could all get stronger. Although it would be great if that person could block off all these negativity, but its impossible to do so, you’ll just get so affected , you know?? but SIGH I wished people would be kinder towards one another cos you’d never know what the person is experiencing, and one word or one comment, would drive the person nuts, and do something to hurt themselves or end their lives.

RANT