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thankful for this little space

Month: May, 2016

that little corner

as it slowly lit
i find peace
and tranquility

i wonder how it manages to do that
i am still mesmerised by its little yet significant ability

its a drug
its dangerous,
harmful
yet beautiful
more intriguing than liquids of any sort

finding
a moment of my own
in that little corner
where I call it mine
a little haven that was

discriminated
and it still is
yet it sets me free

i look forward to find you again
at 12
its out promise

cravings

whenever i think of you
it is when your hair was just like last time
your smile more vibrant
your specs still the same
i wonder if i miss you
or i miss the memories of you

I still feel the same
like things held themselves in a stagnant, constant flow

School is starting
although i don’t wanna see you around,
a part of me wants you around
your presense;
that feeling of safety and familiarity
even though it doesn’t mean anything now

i think the more badly i’m hurt or
the more toxic the relationship gets
the less likely it is for me to forget


still I find myself craving it
2046, might explain a little bit more about this
no matter how much I tried
I couldnt get out of the train
Slowly,
The heart just couldn’t be filled anymore

P H A S E S

missing
craving
forgetting
pretence
happiness
feeling
letting go
missing
craving
trying to forget
pretending
happiness
feeling
letting go
missing

craving

depressed

i need some drugs

fate

yupp
life just happened

Its pretty much fate
I’m kinda getting the drift of it
(or not?)

Only when something in your life happens, you start to see things differently
Things don’t matter anymore when something is affecting you that badly.
I’m hoping for the best

:/

tbh, its blood, tears and many more checks and injections to go
i’ll stay strong and so will you


That day i pledged to my sestras that i’ll #staystrong #dontcryforonemth
and i just cried after one day of the pledge
Lololololol can i start the hash again pls?
f weak. haha
Oh well, that’s human I guess.

I Hope You Found What You’re Looking For — Thought Catalog

Danielle DrislaneI hope you’re happy now, but I hope this not out of spite or passive aggressive ill-will. I hope you’re happy because it has finally become apparent to me how well-hidden real happiness can be, and how much searching you have left to find it. It’s like when you’re looking for that one thing…

via I Hope You Found What You’re Looking For — Thought Catalog

+

it really REALLY did feel fine after talking to u
seeing u in studio have a weirdest feeling ever
like moments of relief and moments where idk where this is going

my heart is closed
and i tested it out today :/
i kinda have no respect for myself anymore
i could try fucking a few random dudes and see how things go
cos look where i am at now

N O W H E R E

“We keep behind closed doors
Every time I see you, I die a little more
Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls
It’ll never be enough
It’s obvious you’re meant for me
Every piece of you, it just fits perfectly
Every second, every thought, I’m in so deep
But I’ll never show it on my face

But we know this, we got a love that is homeless”

screwed

seeing you exercise every single night while i have my random downs and tantrums
makes me wanna exercise w you too
thanks for being there, the planes, the street dogs running about
the green grass surrounding me
how i wish things were simple

fuck myself.
i cant keep my shit tgt and fool myself and say that things are fine
easy to be said than done
seeing you every single day
tbh
makes me wanna kill myself
nope, the problem dont lie with u anymore
its me
Its just me.

While i type this i wished I could burst out in tears
Bawl my eyes out
hug some pillows
and go to sleep

but nope, i cant
i needa work
needa wake up early tml
and act as if this world is full of rainbows and sunshines and unicorns
all that stuff

😀

#escapist

feel like im writing a part of my life thats gone cos
of stuff that im afraid of letting people know
which coincidentally have been something that i have avoided for so long
Wow, sorry blog, been neglecting you so much :/
Gosh
Since it’s alr not a secret, i dont even care now
Could just tell anyone ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
hehehehehhehe

somehow although that kinda feels like a betrayal
cos ive kept this secret for you for as long as i can rmb
(i thought you were uncomfortable with letting people know about)
You could just let it out, telling anyone that comes your way
rmb that night we counted that you told 27 friends of yours that weren’t even important and i counted CBs n xuan
so its like fucked up and i felt so screwed inside that i bawled my eyes out lol
but somehow it also feels kinda relieved
Its good that you’re so open
Its a step forward, telling everyone about it
meaning you’re a little more to accepting yourself, maybe? (idk)
and

that acceptance was so important to me
last time, how a status was so important to me
And it still is 🙂
Its the grey areas that made all these things so hard
SO SO HARD
HATE THE GREY AREAS
You know, when you break up and were together again,
What does the kisses mean? The hugs?
and the night spent together?
I know you love me and i loved u
but theres not much of a thing i can hold on to
Intimacy meant a lot to me and yes, i admit that i was expecting smth from you
cos the security was not felt cos of the status
and you could still flee to God one day
(childish and immature days + thinking)
just like how I thought clubs were innocent and everybody was there for the music (heh)

Somehow writing it out makes me feel so much more relieved
so much more.
Should have done this earlier
but in any case, even if i havent been blogging
ive been thinking about it day and night
l o l o l o l
ESCAPIST + emotional af.
cant help it.
i feel like I grew up abit but Im still like a little girl inside HEH
Im v immature la~~~~
cant control my tears too
oh my, im such a failure 😦
nope, i wouldnt be able too even now
shit, have i grew up in the end?!
maybe i didnt…………..

 

 

 

 

this is how it feels like

friends are great :’)
today i cried singing the graduation song
will miss them so so much
“cos we are moving on, and we cant slow down
these memories are playing like a film without sound”
i feel like im gonna tear now 😦

when will this misery end?
its not like its that painful or THAT bad
but i just have to imagine the worst first to prepare myself?!?!?!?!?!?
What if you know, i see them kissing in studio?!
woah woah woah, i needa step back and like pause for a moment
and maybe have fifteen margaritas / tequila shots
and shisha for like 2/3 hours
and hug wiwi for 4 hours straight and tell her bout what i saw
and turn to a wall to like reflect about it, cos im not supposed to feel anything
or maybe I wont feel it anymore?
B E   N U M B  (optimism at its best)
but who am i kidding
this emotional shitz in me will never not be feeling a thing 😦
hmmm then i think ill be fine again
how fate can bring us together again
how i chose to choose it again
gosh, its all coming too fast
im on the train, not ready to disembark for 2 years but was forced to jump down in just one day
to only realise that i got up on it again

you you you 
sometimes i feel like you love me more than I do 
you are so caring all the time ❤ 
What exactly am i worried about?
What am i afraid of, that i cant let myself move on?  

still

what am i doing
still wishing for things that happen and wishing for things did not happen
It will never happen
i cant shout
i cant cry
i cant do anything about it
I can only see you go pass me day by day and act as if everything is fine
2 years , it has been 2 fucking years
“Move on; let it go” thats what all of them tell me
but how

tell me how when looking at you in school makes me feel like i’m completely naked standing in front of you and you walk through

All the vulnerabilities and all i need to do is to be strong
fake it till i make it
the amount of resistance that i should have
the amount of love that i should give
no, dont tell me what i should do

nope, cant deal.
left broken and in pieces

I wonder when i can fix myself back again

make up screwed, buzzed
late nights, sleepless, dark, and lonely
back to the bed
sweet dreams, tossing and turning,
haunting memories, sweet memories
little weeps and heart breaks,
reassurance, insecurities
doubting myself, unbelieving
reckless, torn
reminders,
sweaters,
jeans left on the floor and
All of you

h  e  l  p