by whilosophy

ahhhh, feels good to be blogging again. Without anyone knowing this URL, I feel safe; it’s like my happy place. I did not realised how much I did not care about my grades till just now, when I did not even want to check it. I remember saying to m, ‘I just wanna pass’ and holy shit, I did it. The prize of this journey wasn’t great? But the journey itself, had me reflecting on myself, and on my life in general. No, I do not miss you anymore, I am so relieved; being not able to see you for long periods in my life, is the final healing that I need. Badly hurt or not, whether who’s to blame, it does not matter anymore, everyone has a part to play in this mess and toxicity, and I just want away. I hope it’s not too selfish to ask for. These few weeks I finally did not think of you one single bit, it seemed like freedom, something that I couldn’t attain when I see you everyday in school. It is reinvigorating and refreshing, to know that the past does not haunt me anymore; I felt free.

I did not expect how hard this journey would be as I sucked at writing essays and even more so, a poetic and psychologically based one? But I know my concerns with the humans lies in this, and it has been worth my hard work. I tried and whether it will work or not, at least I tried. T has been a great support throughout the entire journey, couldn’t have done it without T. It kinda is no longer a secret but it sure is one that is still sacred and kept deep down. I’m still scared of being found out and what about the judgements? The unreceptiveness, the unapologetic and disapproving glares; I see it all but it will never bring me down. (It is much easier to say this but ultimately, it has and obviously affected me) With you not joining the wedding, it felt like a huge blow to my system; a punch to my stomach. Even Kru would say that this is too harsh. I felt queasy; I cried during the wedding. Why weren’t you invited? Even when invited, fears came in and I wasn’t strong enough for you, for the both of us, to let it happen. Surprisingly, It did not affect you. (Maybe you’re being strong for the both of us) But it has really affected me and even now I still feel strong feelings about that day. It was unfair and unjust. I felt mistreated, like a second citizen; like a puppy who lost its home; like a stranger in my own house. All I feel is loneliness and pain. S hugged and comforted me. She told me how she understood how I felt and felt that in the same situation, she would feel the same, and I really needed that, but what more can I do?? How long can I wait? What must I ultimately give up? It actually made me wish so much for a normal heterosexual relationship. I wanted to be ‘normal’. I yearn to be one as it made me feel like a monster with a disease that could not be cured; condemned for the rest of my life. Then again, I felt like I AM normal, I am doing what I like and whom I love. Why does the world care so much? Or why do I even get affected by all these judgements. The feelings are so complex, anger, disappointment and shamed, and I cannot handle these all together.

Am I really, really that revolting and appalling?

I ran away. Faraway that night. To the arms of my makeshift safe place, and cried all night. Nobody knew or cared, cause I don’t need all that at that moment, all I needed was the world to shut it. It was chaos in my mind and coldness in my heart. That raw form of bitterness could not be explained through anything; it was actually more painful than a heart ache.

Part two is coming because it’s too painful to write for now.